Friday, January 29, 2010

PART TWO - 10 Bitchin' tricks that I have actually done

Further to yesterday’s post, here are my own...ahem...”tricks”...that I have done. Yep, admitting them to you. Why? Because I know I am not the only person out there who has taken a bite of Aunt Maples double sugar butter tart with whipped cream and then spit it out into my napkin pretending to eat it and say it was delicious.

With these revelations, I am totally going to get razzed from my friends, so take it easy on me guys!

Ways to REALLY cut calories:

1. Don’t eat it (obviously)
Do you know that on three separate occasions I have pretended to “drop” my ice-cream cone so I wouldn’t have to eat it? It’s true, May seem weird to those who haven’t battled their weight since they were a teen, but it is fat and calories that are now on the ground and not on my ass. What? Did you want me to eat the whole ice cream cone that I didn’t want in the first place but everyone else got one, or someone else bought it for me? don’t owe anyone anything, you owe yourself everything.

2. Pretended to be allergic to something
Yep. Servers will be more careful telling you what is actually in a dish if you tell them you have a few allergies. Most times they will even go so far as to bring you the ingredient list. They wouldn’t want a liability suit on their hands now would they? Remember that episode of SATC where Carrie said she was allergic to parsley but really she just hates it? That is me, except I have a bunch of allergies.
What also works: Gluten or lactose intolerance

3. Said “no thanks, I might be pregnant”
True. I said this once to someone who would not take “no thanks, I am not drinking” as a proper answer. What? Saying you might be pregnant is a valid thing to say. If your period is late you technically might be pregnant. Stop judging me! It’s not like I said “I am pregnant “ and then had some explaining to do when I saw him 9 months later. He was drunk and probably doesn’t even remember

4. I am too full
When it is dessert time I always say I am full, even if I am not. Because dessert is the devil.

5. Said I am having massive diarrhea
This makes whoever is trying to make me eat food uncomfortable and they leave me alone. As no one (except me and maybe one other person I know) want to talk about poo.

6. Drank a litre of water
I then no longer feel like eating, only puking.

7. Painting your nails so you literally can put food in your mouth
(OK, this one is actually my friends, but I am stealing it from her as it is funny shit)

8. Lying and saying I have other things to do rather than go to a work function.
(I am sorry, I see my work people 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, do I want to hang out with them outside of work? No. Not at all. Not even a little bit, especially when they want to do things like eat and drink beer at a pub or go get hot dogs from a street vendor (mrph...excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth).

9. Grab my fat rolls and go have a coffee with vanilla soy milk which makes me semi satisfied for a while, whilst reminding myself as to why I am not supposed to eat so much.

10. Punch yourself in the belly

JUST KIDDING! I couldn’t think of a number 10!

If you would like some help on not eating so much meat, or really paying attention to the type and quality of food you are putting in your mouth, watch: Fast Food Nation (movie), Food Inc. (documentary), or any number of PETA videos (Meet your Meat is a good one). Watching these movies will definitely help you stop putting so much food in your mouth.


  1. 1. One of my co-workers (marathon runner) reminds me he's allergic to mayo everytime I order a tea lunch from the wrap store downt the street. I laughy everytime....because I totally know he's not.
    2. oh, and the 'i might be pregnant' line. Ouch, not a good idea to say around your co-workers. Especially not if you're trying to climb the corporate ladder. Once your boss finds out, don't be surprised if he starts handing the larger accounts to someone else.
    3. i love the 'drop the ice cream on the groud'. Most people would want to cry, but not the 'fitch bitch', she's saying YAY i'm off the hook.

  2. I might be preggers was not muttered around co-workers, it was around drunk idiots who wouldn't remember anyway. I should have just told them I was an alien.

  3. HA HA HAAAAAA, Nail polish!!!