Monday, January 31, 2011


Still trying to shed those last pounds, apparently my ideal weight for my height (5’7”) is around 141? Seams the range differs depending on what website I am on. I think I may just throw out all my flats and wear 4 inch heels all the time, then I will be my ideal weight for my height at all times.

Plus, if half of the population is overweight, then am I not in the normal range?

So drastic times call for drastic measures. The wedding is in four months! FOUR! Four months to:

1. Fit in to my wedding dress (which isn’t even here yet, added stress I don’t need....maybe the stress will make me lose weight?).
2. Tone up all flabby bits
3. Look good in a bikini for the first time ever in my entire life

Since I haven’t lost 1 measly pound since NOVEMBER! I have decided I am obviously a portion slacker and eating too many calories. I started a food diary where I have to write down every single thing I eat like I have some sort of eating disorder or OCD complex (which I do). I also have to enter all my exercise in, so I know how many calories I burn. What a massive pain this is...writing down every thing...I think I may just stop eating so much, that way it will be less I have to write down...hmmm, maybe this is why food diaries are so efficient?

A lot of things I have not been paying attention too (which are now painfully obvious due to the food diary apparitions) the actual amount of fat that are in even the healthiest of foods. If you are trying to lose weight, you are supposed to have around 30 to 35 grams of fat a day. I am way over this! Avocados, low fat dairy, almonds, olive and canola oil, even veggies. What an annoying realization this is.

Dieting...does it ever get better? Just when you think you are supper awesome and doing everything possible, you realize that you are in fact, a lame-o.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Feeling like a fat whale today? Watch A&E’s new show “Heavy” I guarantee you will immediately feel better about how much you do in your workouts, the type of food you eat, and the way you look. I often find everyone larger than me thinks my body is prefect, and will make fun of me if I ever say I need to lose weight. People thinner than me will say that I am fine, as to not offend me. But people around my size will sit and bitch with me, understand that even a loss of 5 pounds will send your mood from suicide watch to the elevated happy high I assume only skinny people feel when they get dressed in the morning and their jeans fit their ass perfectly without the use of spanks (thank god for can’t have the slightest bit of muffin top with skinny jeans, or any jeans for that matter, it’s just gross, and irresponsible wardrobe picking).

So for me the banishing of muffin top and trying to tone (just tone flab, what the hell is your problem?) has made me extra vigilant in my search for “fat banishing food”. I am not sure if this is what it should be about “Food that you can eat a lot of for a low amount of calories so you are not gnawing at the bit when your meal is over like a fat kid with Prader-Willi syndrome”.

So fill up half your plate with these low cal veggies, fewer than 100 calories for 2 cups:

Kale is hard to describe if you have never had it. It looks tough and prickly, like if spinach and broccoli had a love child and named it Kale. Kale is high in vitamins A, K, and C. Rich in minerals, and low in calories (just under 40 calories for a whole cup of kale). Easy to cook (steam, sauté in broth, or bake it and make kale ‘chips’).  I love kale, but everyone I ask hates it.  Try at your own risk (cook WAY longer than you think you 15 - 20 minutes).

Raw cauliflower makes me want to GAG! But roasted or boiled and then mashed up like potatoes = yum! Has almost half your daily requirement of vitamin C and has less than 30 calories a cup! My favourite way is to roast the florets with garlic, pepper, paprika, and sea salt.

Even though it makes about 50% of peoples' pee smell weird (me included), I would eat this every day. Less than 30 calories a cup! Omegas, iron, vitamin K. Nom nom nom. Two favourite ways to prepare are the simple: Stick them in a pan of boiling water for 2 minutes. Or toss them in spices and roast them on the BBQ.

Steamed Spinach (gross), lettuce (duh), cucumber, celery, leafy stuff, onions, Broccoli, mushrooms, cabbage. All are low in calories, but you may not want to fill up half your pate with chopped onion (side note: always sauté your onions until opaque, it takes away the strong ‘onion-y-ness’) so add these veggies to other items. Example: maybe you need to have mashed potatoes, and will die if you don’t get them, use half potato, half cauliflower, throw in some chopped steamed spinach and sautéed onions. Eat more salads (watch that dressing!) and loads of veggie stir fry dishes (don’t dump sugary sauce on your stir fry, use natural ingredients and spices. My fav homemade stir fry sauces:

1. Soy sauce (2 tablespoonsish) mixed with natural PB (1 tablespoonish)and chilli flakes (dash)
2. Sesame Seeds, chopped onion, roasted garlic mushed, and broth
3. Red Thai Curry Paste (spoonful) and broth or lite coconut milk (1/2 cup)

Try it! And share your own recipes and tips for the other readers.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Desperate to lose weight?

Often it does amaze me the length people will go to in order to lose weight, to be that dream size, to fit into society’s vision of attractive. Regardless of the health determents. It seems people hear "this will make you lose weight" and they are in line to sign up for whatever the next weight loss thing they haven't tried is. In my office ‘Mr. Chicken Wing Eater and Coke Drinker Extraordinaire’ was once on a diet where he was only allowed 800 calories a day, he rants that he lost weight (no shit Sherlock, you didn't eat) but also he complains that he was weak and had to sit down to do the dishes. WTF? In the (dreaded) lunch room, a lady announced "I think I am going to get that Lap Band Surgery next week". She announced it with the same normalcy as if she said "I am thinking about having Pizza for supper". She then complained it was expensive, and she would have to get a loan and be financed for it. This extremeness is normal to her, but when I spend $12 on a salad, it’s not normal, nor is it normal for her to get off her ass and go for a walk (free) to do some workouts in her house (also free) or for her to buy healthier food (cheaper than surgery!). She said this all as she was eating Burger King, I kept my big mouth shut, but had to of course bite my tongue so I wouldn't yell "You stupid fatty, stop shoving fries dipped in ketchup dipped in gravy chased with a double bacon cheese burger into your pie hole and you wouldn't need lap band" however, to vent my anger, when she asked me if she had something in her teeth, I answered “no” when really she totally had a soggy piece of burger lettuce stuck on her teeth.

I told her to come live with me for a week and she would lose weight, and she replied...and I quote...."no thanks, I think I would miss carbs too much". I was puzzled by this response from her as:

1. I eat carbs all the time, they are my fav. and

2. I was, at that moment, presently eating a sandwich and a salad loaded with veggies and had an apple sitting in front of me.

I said "I do eat carbs, I am eating them right now" and pretended to slay her with my chicken sandwich sword. She then quickly tried to think of another excuse, but didn't (probably because she knew I would snap a rebuttal down her throat) and instead started talking about lap band.

Do you want to go for a walk and eat an apple, its free? NO, that is silly.

Do you want me to cut open your tummy and stick a machine thing in there; it will cost you over $10,000? YES please. That makes way more sense.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Sooo Cooold

Huddled up by the fire, laptop open, TV on (TLC is having a “My Strange Addiction” –athon), it is time to go work out...but just a few more minutes in the warmth (this show is so weird, it is profiling all these woman who have bizarre addictions, truly bizarre addictions, this one chick is addicted to eating soap. SOAP! Like laundry detergent, hand soap, bars of soap....I wonder how many calories are in soap?). I am making myself a little workout calendar (oh how many of these I have made in my life) to make sure I am not neglecting any body part (flabby bit) in my now quest to get toned (oh my god, this woman is addicted to body building and works out six hours a day! I wish I was addicted to working out period!). I make my chart as pretty as possible, I guess my brain thinks that if I have a nice attractive chart I will work out more? I will look at the chart and it will be so beautifull my muscels will start working out independently. (What the? This girl is addicted to pulling out her hair and eating the follicle! Is there calories in that? I wonder how many grams of fat are in hair follicles?)

Four months until the wedding (why oh why did I pick a beach wedding, am I a masochist?) . Time to push the “get toned project” into the highest gear. Losing weight is only half of the battle. ARGH! This sucks the hardest balls! I have signed up for all these tip newsletter things, and every day I get articles and nonsense and stupid tips that must be for fat people who don’t know what vegetables are. Titled lame titles like: “Eat your greens” (duh) “Lean protein is good” (double duh) “Skip the ice cream” (? Really? Oh my god, skip ice cream, skip fat and sugar? DER!!!) . I want to see a useful article, maybe one titled “Here is a magic potion, drink it and you will wake up with whatever famous person’s body you want” . Sigh...if only true. Time to get my ass up and go to the gym.

It is blistering cold out; it actually pains me to go outside. -31 today doesn’t exactly make me want to eat some cold salad and jump around until I get warm. Nor do I want to get all sweaty in a gym and then step outside into the ice world and have every bead of moister freeze to my body in little ice warts.

However, I can’t be a flabby whale bride on my wedding day so I have forced myself to go to the overly crowded gym. I sign up for machines, wait in line for weights, get to classes 45 minutes early so I can get a spot on the list. What a massive pain I think, no wonder half of these people will stop coming to the gym and throw their resolution away. How fun is it to wait around for 45 minutes for some skinny perfect step class teacher to come and beat the shit out of your legs. Not so fun (but oh so worth it).

I heard on the radio that regular gym goers actually make bets on how long the newbie gym members will stay. This is funny to me as it is sooo true. (But also mean as I have totally been that January to March gym goer. )

Monday, January 3, 2011

Who resolved to lose weight in 2011?

So it’s a new year, did you (along with the rest of the developed world) resolve to lose weight this year?

Get a tape worm and continue on with your life, or actually make a change. Now, this doesn’t mean buying a diet book and reading part of it, or reading fitness magazines only to throw it in your bathroom for toilet reading. Pick a diet, any diet, and you will lose weight. AS LONG AS YOU STICK WITH IT.

This is the problem: People don’t stick to their diets. Because diets are hard. Period. It is that simple, really it is. Do you know how many flipping books and diets and eating plans and half finished food journals I have? A scale to measure food, old Weight Watcher books, Atkins, low carb, South Beach Diet, Vegan diet books, raw food diet books, you freaking name it, I have tried it (except of course for ridiculously stupid diets like the hormone or cookie diet, I mean...come on!).

The truth of the matter is, that no matter what diet you pick, it will only work if you STICK WITH IT. Personally, I think the only thing anyone needs to do is stop being a winey excuse making baby and get off your ass and go work out, and work out HARD, then eat healthy natural food. Period. It is that simple. Really it is if you think about it. Our extra pounds aren’t just going to get up and walk away (wouldn’t it be nice if they did? “Dear extra poundage, please fuck off” and they would run away crying for their mommy and we would be left skinny!) but in reality, we have to beat the shit out of them with workouts until they are tortured and can’t take anymore and leave our body for good and go attach themselves to some other fatty.

Yeah, I know....easier said than done. We all fall of the wagon, especially during the holidays; there is no dieting in December right? I actually think I consumed more calories and alcohol this month than I did all year. Doesn’t mean I gorged on cheezies and fast food. But let’s be realistic, you have many diner parties, Christmas dinners (3 for me this year...thankfully not all in one day as some people I know have to do), office parties, friends parties, and of course New Years Parties (the last day people stuff themselves as “the diet starts tomorrow” but then really you are so hung over January 1 that you have McDonalds for breakfast and you sleep all day)...where was I? Oh yes, it is inevitable that you will over indulge during the holidays, which makes the drastic change for your New Year’s resolution to lose weight that much harder. Take it one step at a time, if you fall of the wagon, jump back on. Don’t forget to work out (yes, I am going to follow my own advice).

Fortunately, this year all my friends are ‘dieting’ as we are all going to Mexico in May. That means I am surrounded by people who want to lose weight or get into better shape over the next five months. No one wants to have their flab flapping around on the beach! And two-pieces are sexier than one-pieces! And bikinis and cameras are a scary combination—especially if you have been drinking beer and cocktails all day! If I constantly remind myself how gross I was last year on the beach, I think my subconscious will take over and automatically make my eyes see only veggies, and do away with cravings completely.