Friday, January 29, 2010

PART TWO - 10 Bitchin' tricks that I have actually done

Further to yesterday’s post, here are my own...ahem...”tricks”...that I have done. Yep, admitting them to you. Why? Because I know I am not the only person out there who has taken a bite of Aunt Maples double sugar butter tart with whipped cream and then spit it out into my napkin pretending to eat it and say it was delicious.

With these revelations, I am totally going to get razzed from my friends, so take it easy on me guys!

Ways to REALLY cut calories:

1. Don’t eat it (obviously)
Do you know that on three separate occasions I have pretended to “drop” my ice-cream cone so I wouldn’t have to eat it? It’s true, May seem weird to those who haven’t battled their weight since they were a teen, but it is fat and calories that are now on the ground and not on my ass. What? Did you want me to eat the whole ice cream cone that I didn’t want in the first place but everyone else got one, or someone else bought it for me? don’t owe anyone anything, you owe yourself everything.

2. Pretended to be allergic to something
Yep. Servers will be more careful telling you what is actually in a dish if you tell them you have a few allergies. Most times they will even go so far as to bring you the ingredient list. They wouldn’t want a liability suit on their hands now would they? Remember that episode of SATC where Carrie said she was allergic to parsley but really she just hates it? That is me, except I have a bunch of allergies.
What also works: Gluten or lactose intolerance

3. Said “no thanks, I might be pregnant”
True. I said this once to someone who would not take “no thanks, I am not drinking” as a proper answer. What? Saying you might be pregnant is a valid thing to say. If your period is late you technically might be pregnant. Stop judging me! It’s not like I said “I am pregnant “ and then had some explaining to do when I saw him 9 months later. He was drunk and probably doesn’t even remember

4. I am too full
When it is dessert time I always say I am full, even if I am not. Because dessert is the devil.

5. Said I am having massive diarrhea
This makes whoever is trying to make me eat food uncomfortable and they leave me alone. As no one (except me and maybe one other person I know) want to talk about poo.

6. Drank a litre of water
I then no longer feel like eating, only puking.

7. Painting your nails so you literally can put food in your mouth
(OK, this one is actually my friends, but I am stealing it from her as it is funny shit)

8. Lying and saying I have other things to do rather than go to a work function.
(I am sorry, I see my work people 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, do I want to hang out with them outside of work? No. Not at all. Not even a little bit, especially when they want to do things like eat and drink beer at a pub or go get hot dogs from a street vendor (mrph...excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth).

9. Grab my fat rolls and go have a coffee with vanilla soy milk which makes me semi satisfied for a while, whilst reminding myself as to why I am not supposed to eat so much.

10. Punch yourself in the belly

JUST KIDDING! I couldn’t think of a number 10!

If you would like some help on not eating so much meat, or really paying attention to the type and quality of food you are putting in your mouth, watch: Fast Food Nation (movie), Food Inc. (documentary), or any number of PETA videos (Meet your Meat is a good one). Watching these movies will definitely help you stop putting so much food in your mouth.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Common F'ing Sense (part 1)

Well, I have decided I am pretty tired of all the weight loss articles out there. I recently clicked on what I thought would be an interesting article entitled 50 ways to cut 100 calories. (Any article entitled “easy ways to cut calories” “simple tricks to feel full” “ways to eat less when you go out” I will always read, hoping to find a new ‘trick’ that I haven’t heard of.)

This particular “trick” I am sure you have read before:

When ordering at a restaurant, ask the waitress/waiter/server to box up half of your meal, so only half comes on your plate, and then you get to take the other half home to eat.

What? Who does this?

“Dear Waitress,
Could you please take a fork and knife and cut my food in half, then place half into a take-out container for me? I am way too incompetent to do this on my own. Also if I see all the food on my plate, I will have no idea what half is, and I will eat it all as I am a ravenous beast who cannot logically decipher what I should and should not scarf into my mouth. I have no self control, so please don’t bring the take out container to me until I am leaving the restaurant as I will rip it open and start devouring its contents faster than you can spit in my food.”

I bet servers everywhere are delighted when their patrons ask them such nonsense.

This particular article was enticing me greatly with a heading that will give me and extra 50 ways to cut calories, I couldn’t click on it fast enough.  Before I was a third of the way finished, I realized, this article just isn’t for me, it must be geared toward really huge chow hounds that have absolutely no idea what a calorie is.

The tips were telling me such things as: when making homemade baked macaroni and cheese leave out two table spoons of butter, dip my wings in hot sauce instead of bluecheese dip, have an ice cream cone at McDonalds instead of Dairy Queen, do this with your dessert instead of that. Are their people on a healthy eating diet that are eating such food? What kind of diet advice is this? I am a healthy active woman, who, like most females my age, watch what they eat. We don’t go around eating baked macaroni and cheese with ham chunks, eat greasy deep fried restaurant wings, or order ice cream cones on a regular basis. Certainly if you do order this type of food often, 100 calories isn’t going to make a lick of difference. You don’t go to McDonalds and order a burger and small fries instead of a big mac and super size fries and call yourself healthy! You are still putting crap food into your body...just a little less of it.

"I am going to start doing crack, but only a little bit of it." Please!

I want some REAL ways to cut my calories, to cut my 2000 calorie a day diet to 1500. So I did my own searching, and you know what I found? The best way to cut even more calories from my diet?

Stop eating.

No no no, not stop eating completely. Just stop eating so many calories! Especially on those days when you don’t burn a bunch by working out. It is really common f'ing sense.

Part two of this article will be posted tomorrow!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Fit Bitchin’ Rules

So, unless you have been living under a rock wearing earmuffs in Exuma, you know basic health knowledge such as eating healthy fresh fruit, veggies, whole grains, lean protein, and if you don't know that you have to have at least 8 glasses of water a day then I am sorry, but I cannot help you.

1. You will be hungry from time to time, deal with it.
You can’t expect to eat eat eat eat until your stuffed and full all the time, everyday if you want to lose weight.

2. Watch your portions.
Yes, you always hear “watch your portions” but watch your portions on EVERYTHING. Yes salmon is delicious and healthy for you, but it also contains fat (yes it is the good fat, the kind you should be eating) but just because your body needs healthy fat, doesn’t mean that you need to take in way more than you need. Your body requires a lot of things you can’t have too much of (sodium, calories, selenium).

3. Educate yourself about the food you eat.
The more you know about the damage caused by aspartame, the less likely you will put it in your body. Read up on sugar, refined carbs, artificial sweeteners, additives. If something grosses you out, then you probably won’t stick it in your mouth (insert obvious joke here). Read those ingredient labels!

4. Just get your ass moving
Seems simple enough. It is so easy to say that it is too late, or you have something else to do. But don’t put other things in front of your health and your goals. Be active as much as you can.

5. Two Fit Bitches are better than one
Friends help. I would be nowhere without mine. Share your daily food log with them, exchange recipes, and be there for support. No one will think you are weird if you email a detailed food list to your friend every day.
(OK, well some might think it is weird, but only the stupid people, and fit bitches don’t hang out with stupids.)

6. Drop the guilt
Who cares if it is someone’s birthday? You don’t want cake, don’t have any.
You do not owe anyone anything. You owe yourself everything.

7. Stop eating out with your porker friends
Alcoholics don’t go out with their buddies to a bar. Recovering meth addicts don’t go to face scratching contests with their doped up pals. Don’t go out with your friends to a bad food place. Find another activity to do with them, walk? Shop? Walk and shop?

8. Don’t eat with boys
Well, at least not the boys I know.

9. Find your motivation
A flat unflattering picture of yourself. A picture of yourself when you were smoking hot. A sexy pair of undies that you don’t fit into yet. The sexy pool cleaner who doesn’t speak any English. A wedding dress. All your skinny friends. A marathon. Class reunion date. Health report. A picture of another girl’s boyfriend. The day to ‘accidentally-run-into-your-exboyfriend-looking-ever-so-doable-and-fabulous’. I don’t care what it is, just find it and keep it to remind yourself.

10. Give yourself credit. You can do it
There are harder things in life than trying to be super fit and healthy. What is more important than having your health?

I am not a nutritionist, fitness instructor, or a doctor. Check with your doctor before starting any fitness routine.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Day 67 um, I fell off the healthy wagon.

Well, I fell off the wagon this weekend, fairly hard. I think my bum knee must have caused me to lose my balance. I had one or two glasses of wine....well a little more.....OK OK a lot more!  I also had lots of snacks, mindlessly eating while having a few drinks at a party. Mini Reese peanut butter cups are awesome and taste like heaven. Three of them jumped in my mouth and banged themselves around my teeth and then slivered down my throat! Can you believe that?
Add that to my bum knee and not going to the gym for 4 days, I feel like a humungous hippo-cow.


OK, so I am back on the wagon, and even though I can’t run or bike, or do a million squats and lunges in my crazy drill sergeant class, I will do yoga (uhg-yoga makes me all too aware of my gut!) upper body, and abs until my knee gets better.

Unfortunately my scale was accidentally smashed, so I have no weigh in today, darn it.
Actually, this is a good thing as I would probably be in a psych ward if I see that damn number go up any higher.

Dairy and gluten are out of my diet for a while. I am trying to narrow down this food allergy; I have a sneaky suspicion that dairy is the culprit. This makes me very sad as I am in love with cheese and want to marry cheese and have little cheese babies.

Mmmmm cheese...except blue cheese, barf! Why do you want to eat mold? Sick!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Thanks a lot Conscience (Day 64)

I went to the gym last night because my conscience called me a lazy fat cow. I was proud of myself for not only going to the gym, but also taking a gruelling high intensity hour long class where I was out of breath and sweaty about 2 minutes into it. We were doing plyometrics, squats, lunges, paired with dumbbells, barbells, step, and bands (right? What a friggin class!).

So, ten minutes until class is over, I am getting up off the floor (from doing an unbearable amount of push-ups) and I heard a ‘pop’ followed by a shot of pain which resulted in me falling to the floor.

Ow ow ow OW! F! F! F!!!!

So, I tried to nurse my knee back to health, but it wasn’t working, I limped my way out of class in pain (and no one helped me, but everyone helped bleedy bob from last class, sigh) and managed to hobble down the stairs without falling ass over kettle. I finally get home to ice my throbbing knee, and sadly realize I left my favourite pink Nalgene bottle there 

This is what I get for listening to my damn conscience, a bum knee and a lost fav water bottle.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Day 63 and my Conscience

Conscience : Get your ass to the gym
me: I can't, too sleepy
Conscience : You are a fat ass
me: Boys like big butts and they cannot lie
Conscience : They don't like big rolly tummies
me: this is true. I will go tomorrow.
Conscience : Don't be a lazy cow. Be fit and healthy-stupid!
me: fuck

I cannot get my sleepy head to the gym if I don't go directly from work. It is like my house locks me up in a warm cozy food filled cocoon. Then, once there in my cocoons of awesomeness, the excuses start to roll in....

If I eat light and super healthy for supper, than its OK if I don't go to the gym
If I clean my house for an hour, than that is better than sitting on my butt
If I do laundry and walk up and down the stairs carrying it, then that works my quads

Silly excuses. Like I am going to walk up and down my stairs carrying 20lbs of laundry for an hour straight.

It is amazing how easily we can talk ourselves out of working out when we just don't feel like it. And honestly? There are not too many times when I actually feel like going to the gym. I cannot wait for beautiful summer so I can fill my activities with fun stuff instead of classes and stationary machines that are filled with meat heads and hookers.

My new rule is just go. Just go to the gym. JUST GO. I am not allowed to think about it. It doesn't matter what other activity I have planned for that day and can’t show up for nice and sweaty. It doesn't matter how tired, or how many asshole clients I had to deal with, or how many breakdowns I had in the boardroom over SWOT analysis nonsense.

I just have to get there.

Once there....the anti gym reasons are piling around me: it's raining, there is no parking, it is teen night, the gym is packed, there are kid’s lessons in the pool, I am hungry, I forgot my headband. ARHG.

I need to search deep for motivation some days. I know it is there, one time I went to the gym and worked out with no gym socks, no sport bra (D cup, wasn't fun), and no hair elastic. That is motivation! Why can't I pull that motivation out when I most need it?

I try to remind myself of all the reasons why I need to work out and push it:

1. Duh, to be hot!
2. To stay healthy
3. To not fail on the get fit project or the lose weight resolution
4. To be thankful I have my health, and am able to go the gym.
5. I can't just wake up and run that 10k! Train Train TRAIN!

What motivates you to get your butt to the gym? or out for a jog? or what ever it is you do? Can you mail that motivation to me?

I am off to the gym now, really I am going.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Day 62 Bloaty McBloaterson

Working out when you are bloated and gassy is like swimming with a winter jacket on...sure you can do it, but it is hard and you feel like a whale.

Stupid lentils for lunch.

To make this workout class more interesting, the instructor decided to throw in a surprise abdominal work out, just to make my bloaty-belly feel its absolute best!

Being a bloaty whale today, I deserve huge snaps for managing to lug myself to the gym in the first place. I am covered in a baggy t-shirt and lose lulus as skin tight luon and bloat-tummy shall never meet. The girl next to me looks like she just fell of the Jillian-Michaels-look-a-like-contest-bus, and she does the 'advance' version of every option the instructor gives us. Sigh, yet another girl I hate but want to be just like.

I would hate her less if she was wearing more than a sports bra and shorts smaller then my undies.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Day 61 & Confession # 2

Confession # 2:   I NEVER eat fast food...

Well, that is if I don’t include the odd breakfast bagel when I am running late for work . Or when I am road tripping. Or those Sundays when you are hung-over, and you know what the only cure for a hangover is!

The argument at my office today was over this statement: “even experts say it is OK to have fast food once and a while”.

What ‘experts’ say that?

Someone (not me, I bit my tongue through this whole conversation and deserve a medal for such) replied to this statement saying “I think once a week is OK”. The argument went on about how often should you eat fast food, and what fast food is acceptable, and the famous line that people LOVE to say to you when you are discussing unhealthy food:

“Everything is bad for you now-a-days.”

I hear this sentence so often from so many different people, then only people I don’t hear it from are those who actually DO eat healthy the majority of the time. It is like a constant excuse that makes people feel validated in their choice of crap food. Almost as if they are trying to retaliate towards healthy eaters.

It is no F’ing surprise that fruit, veggies, lean meats, whole grains, and lots of water is better for you than candy, fatty snacks, fatty meats, refined carbs, and pop. There is no one out there that will successfully argue that junk food is better than healthy food. It just doesn’t make sense! “Everything is bad for you now-a-days”, somehow saying this warrants choosing to eat crap. This particular “EIBFYNow-a-days” speech started the same as the rest; bashing vegetables:

“Botulism is in spinach.”
(Please, wasn’t that one case YEARS ago?)
“There are pesticides on the fruits.”
(There are pesticides in your food too, do you think McDonalds uses organic potatoes and free range chicken?)
“Mushrooms grow in shit.”
(They grow in composting manure, not human feces.)
“Vegetables are boring!”
(Well, sure, if you only eat raw broccoli and celery sticks.)

It is amazing actually listening to people defend their eating habits; I know I am ready with facts and remarks prepared to jump down someone’s throat when they comment on mine. I love listening to the banter between vegetarians and meat eaters, sushi eaters and people who hate seafood, my absolute favourite argument to hear? People on Atkins vs. Anyone not on Atkins.

If only I could have an Atkins Dieter and a Vegan in the same room.

Monday, January 18, 2010

DAY 60! Two months in, and do you know what? This gal is goin’ VEG! (for a week)

I know! Can you believe it? Protein & seafood lover, this prior East Coast Girl now living in the land of beef is going to give up all meat for one week. If it goes well and I don’t kill anyone, the next week I will be VEGAN! (wha?) All for the entertainment of my amazing readers (after the salt water fail...I mean...salt water flush, this will be a walk in the park on a sunny day.
So this week is no meat, poultry, or seafood, but I will have cheese, and probably eggs. I don’t drink milk so we don’t need to worry about that. Next week, completely Vegan, no meat, poultry, fish, dairy, or eggs. (O.M.G!)

This is purely an experiment. After eating super clean and ridiculously healthy for TWO MONTHS! I have lost ten pounds, but since then have not lost any additional weight, nor had my skin appeared “clearer” and “brighter” as it was supposed to. This could mean I have a food allergy to dairy, or gluten, or something. Well, we will see by my little experiment, maybe I am talking crazy due to the high sodium levels I suffered from that BS cleanse.

Please don’t lecture me on muscle weighs more than fat, that is complete bull. A pound of fat and a pound of muscle both weigh A POUND! Yes clothes fit better, yes I know I am doing well, but I still have chub rolls so leave me alone. (Protein is in other things other than meat. I will be fine.)

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Day 59 (Salt Water Flush)

OK, today’s entry is a little different; it is a ‘live’ entry in a way. It is Saturday morning right now (as I am typing, not when I got around to posting it) and I am about to do a salt water flush! How exciting, I am so cool to sit home Saturday morning to do a cleanse, sigh...the things we do to be healthy.

As someone who does a cleanse ever year around this time, I decided not to do one this year as my eating habits have already drastically changed, however, I still feel the need to cleanse. Psychological? Perhaps, but there is no doubt that a cleanse is good for you. If you have never done a cleanse, do some research or ask your friends to see if they have done one. There are so many out there, I have purchased the all natural pills from many different brands, I have done one where you just eat certain foods, there are juice cleanse or liquid cleanses (also known as fasts) and there is the salt water cleanse, which I am attempting for the first time in a few minutes.

Salt Water Cleanse (or Salt Water Flush) is so easy. Here is what you do:
First thing in the morning when you wake (preferably quite early) you are going to drink a lot of warm water mixed with salt and a little lemon juice to flavour. Then you are going to wait a few hours for the salt water to ‘flush’ out your system. Apparently you need to stay home and close to a bathroom for a few hours, so don’t do this flush on a work day or before a date please.

1 litre (1 quart) of water, (warm, like tea or soup temperature, you need to drink it in under 15 minutes)
2 tsp of natural sea salt (do not use table salt)
1-2 Tbsp of lemon juice
When the mixture is a good temperature to drink, bombs away! Here I go:

8:20 am
This doesn’t taste as bad as I thought, but it is not easy to get down. It tastes like salty Neo Citron.
I am trying to plug my nose but it doesn’t help. I thought if I put some cotton balls in my nose it would help, but then one fell out into my glass while I was drinking. GROSS!

I need a breather, this is tough. It was too hot so I added some cold water, which was dumb because now I have that much more to drink

Finally done. That was torture and a lot of salty water to drink.

So now I am laying on my bed with a massive water filled belly waiting for the magic to happen.

I feel nothing, why don’t I have to pee yet?

I am really thirsty. Am I allowed to drink more water? Or will that mess up the salt level. Since nothing is happening, I will use this time to give some facts about the Salt Water Flush:
-Some people do this every morning for a week, and then a few times a week, and then once a week
(who has time to sit home and shit all day?) I am not doing it every day, I am doing it once.
-The point of any cleanse is to mobilise trapped waste in your intestines and colon and then eliminate them, cleaning your innards of unwanted toxic waste that your body absorbs from the food you eat and the environment you live in. Cleanses can help with digestive problems and other ailments.

I still feel nothing except the urge to drink un-salted water
Google “Salt Water Flush” and educated yourself on it before you try it. Do not take my word for it as I am not a medical practitioner, of course you should check with your doctor before starting anything, but no one ever does, that is just what people have to say so they avoid being sued. I researched it and asked people who did it, so that is why I chose to do this particular flush.
I have to pee. Brb.

That was uneventful, this cleanse is boring. I am going to do some yoga and try to “stimulate” my insides.

That was a bad idea, I now feel like I am going to barf. I am back to lying on my side cuddled up in bed. Apparently this is supposed to work within 2 hours after drinking the solution, so I have passed hour one and now I am scared that I am going to explode.

I am hungry and thirsty and am not having any flushing experience, this is bollocks!

I am pissed I wasted my whole morning for a poo explosion. Stupid salt water cleanse. I am about to get on with my day. I hope I don’t peep my pants.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Day 58 (almost two months!)

I cannot type long as my arms no longer work. Tonights class kicked my ass (well, more specifically my arms and shoulder, my ass is actually fine) and I learned two very important points:

1. Lululemon has a total monopoly on every female ass in this class.
2. My shoulders are frail little weaklings.

I love this class, it is combination step and weight lifting, and it changes every week, so it is always different and I never ever ever get bored. I do, however, feel like my muscles are going to jump out of my skin and run away, screaming for mercy.

I went in being all awesome, grabbing two 10lb dumbbells, I mean, come on, I can life way more than that. BUT, I was not paying attention to my instructor, who has 8lbs dumbbells....did I mention she is also a bodybuilding instructor? And has won awards, contest, titles, and shows? She has only 8lb dumbbells...clearly I am in for a work out if she is only using 8lbs.

I love this instructor; she is so cute and awesome and looks like her body was carved by the gods themselves. She never yells at people, but yet manages to encourage, talk to, and promote class participation, if you are panting and trying not to die, she also allows you to answer with a nod, when asking you a question, rather than go on a rant like stupid accent bitch from spin class (grrrr).

In short, I love and want to be her. And I didn’t even get mad at her cute face when she made us do 10 more triceps-push-ups when she tricked me and said I only had to do five!

Everything was going great; I had a great spot in the room, lots of room to trip over myself if needed, a full view of both the instructor, and myself in the mirror...but then this goofy Frankenstein man stood directly in front of me! He blocked my view and didn’t do anything right all class, just stood there lifting weights, he had 25 lb dumbbells (which he could BARELY lift, but of course, he is a man and so strong, so heaven forbid he put them down and go get a lighter pair), and didn’t fasten his barbell properly so two weights fell off in the middle of class, startling the whole class, he also didn’t have his step set up and then tripped loudly. Sigh. How embarrassing! I am so glad that wasn’t me.

Now, before you just down my throat, I understand it is hard for people to go to a class, and of course it is embarrassing when you trip and fall all over the place, but no one else cares. I don’t care, and I hope he gives it another chance, I just hope he doesn’t stand in front of me dropping weights on my feet. If you are going to go to a class for the first time, do it right and start out like a normal human being and not a deranged steroid freak.

Directly after all of Frankenstein’s nonsense, another man jammed his finger between two of his dumbbells and started bleeding all over the gym floor (this is seriously true, it was an eventful class. Yet another man (5 men out of 30 women if you’re curious) thought it would be a good idea to wipe up someone’s blood with the towels provided by the gym.

BARFFFFF! How fucking putrid is that? People use those towels to wipe the sweat of their FACE! Uhg! I am never using a gym towel again. EVER! If people think it is acceptable to wipe up the blood of a stranger using communal towels, what the hell else do they do with those towels? Blow their boogers on them? Soak up their swass? SICK!

After swallowing my vomit from the blood towel incident, I trade my 10lbs in for 6lbs (secretly wishing I grabbed 2lb weights as my arms are about to fall off) and vow to learn how to work my shoulders better so I can come home from the gym and type without my arms screaming for pity and compassion.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Blog entries about cereal are boring!

Sorry, it was interesting to me at the time, now...not so much.  Massive intense weights and step integration class tomorrow!

Please help me find healthy cereals (day 57)

Healthy cereals certainly are hard to come by. I find most truly healthy breakfast foods are. I used to think I was so good for adding All-Bran Buds to everything so I could get that added fibre I so need. Unfortunately those little buds are filled with sugar and don't really even have THAT much fibre. Damn false advertising!

Here I was with my "a little fibre sugar buds added to sugar Activia yogurt" oh I am so healthy with all my sugar.  Have you seen the commercial for Nutella? “Made with wholesome natural ingredients like skim milk, hazelnuts, and cocoa”. Umm, you know the first ingredient in Nutella is sugar right? Hmmm, that is funny, I don’t recall hearing that on the commercial, they must have just forgot their main ingredient. A-holes!

I have been living off oatmeal, oatbran, and Kashi brand, but I need more!  Variety is the spice of life as we are told.
You can imagine my elatedness when I found a new cereal that contained no sugar. I was in the grocery store yesterday morning and made it about halfway down the cereal aisle, one box of each type of cereal was in disarray as I would pick it up, read the ingredients, find sugar listed, and toss the box haphazardly back on the shelf in a mini fit of annoyance. Some old hag was behind me getting annoyed and sighing loudly as I must have been in her way whilst I was educating myself on all the ingredients I am about to put in my body.

“Sigh” sighs old hag
“Can I help you?” sighs me
“I just need to get a box of mini wheats please”
“Sure, I can pass them to you, would you like white sugar, brown sugar, blue sugar, or pink sugar mini wheats?”
No longer acting like a hag the old lady says “Brown sugar please” (oblivious to my poking fun) “have a nice day dear”.
(awwww she called me dear, now I feel bad for calling her an old hag!)
Even all the organic cereals are against me "organic sugar"--um, ok I will eat this and then go have some organic cigarettes and perhaps a hit of organic heroin, then I will eat some deep fried free range chicken wings dipped in organic free trade sweet BBQ sauce.

I purchased "Alpen" by Weetabix. The picture on the box makes the Alpen cereal look so yummy, super healthy granola filled with raisins, oats, brown rice crisp things, yum.

Sidebar: when I was a kid, I used to hoard Weetabix in my room and eat them dry in my bed. Can you believe that shit? True story. This is why I was a fat kid, because I hid food in my bed and ate it right before snooze time.

Finally home, and so excited to eat this, I open it and pour it into my bowl.

It looks like floor sweepings.

Not at all like the damn box. It is all dusty and looks really dry and old and stale. Sigh. Tasting it does not make me happy, it tastes like a piece of cardboard that was ground up and tossed in a bowl with some oats and raisins.

This is why people are averse to being super healthy, floor sweepings cereal that taste like paper.

Thank goodness for vanilla soy milk. It was only half boring once I flavoured it with the soy milk, but toss some berries and banana in there? YUM! My new favourite breakie!

Give me your healthy, quick, sugar free breakie ideas! Or I will soon be one of those dummies who skip breakfast.

Just kidding, I don’t know how to skip meals or snacks.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


Did you ever go to a workout class, and then get so annoyed that you just walk out? Yah, me neither.
OK I did.


The first incident was a cardio step dance class. I felt like a complete rusty tool as I could not keep up with anyone, I kept missing my steps, I kept going right instead of left, and there was no way I could do the turn step thing. I was trying hard to not get discouraged, but when I bumped into the person next to me as I pulled a Derek Zoolander and couldn't turn left, I just felt like a big fat elephant in a flower garden. So I left and registered for the 'intro to step basic' class and now I can happily turn properly while raising my arms at the same time. Ta-da.

The second incident, and most recent, was spin class. Oh spin class. I love mountain and trail biking which means I love spin class right? Wrong. I hate spin class for the following reasons:

1. Spin class bike seats are not the "soft-gel-filled-ergonomically-shaped-so-they-don't-hurt-your-girl-crotch-seats" like the one on my real bike

2. The spin instructors are always so mean and don't understand that even though my thighs are huge, it is mostly fat and not all muscle like their thighs, which means that I cannot bike as fast as they can.

3. There is always someone directly in front of me and I have to stare at their sweaty ass crack.

This last spin class was extra annoying, for the following extra reasons:

1. The instructor had this weird accent, I couldn't even tell what it was, let along make out what the hell she was saying.

2. She kept yelling "WOOOOOOOOOO" and wanted us to yell "WOOOOOOOOOO as if were all a bunch of drunk whores on spring break and not a bunch of fit-wannabes panting and out of breath.

3. She was asking questions and no one was answering (remember, out of breath from pretending to bike up mountains with our butts off the seat?) so she went on a rant about "How is she supposed to teach us if we don't talk to her and said "Heeeeeelllooooo" in that annoying ditzy way, and then made sure her hoop earrings where clipped in tight.
Bitch please!

I was fed up with her and what ever she was telling us to do because I couldn't make out what she was yelling, turn up the knob? Bring it to what speed? What the hell is a dik-fore?

So I left. I will never go back to her class as it is not enjoyable, and there are days when it is hard to get motivated to work out, the last thing you want to do is spend an un-enjoyable hour on an un-enjoyable seat listening to an un-enjoyable voice.
I downed a bucket of water (secretly wishing it was sociably acceptable to massage my sore bike crotch in public) and moseyed my way over to spend some quality time with the kettle bells and my ipod.

Ahhh, peace!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Day 55 new activity number 1

I don’t know anything in the world that is more frustrating than trying like a mofo all week to lose weight but in actuality you gain weight. What the hell? That better be an extra pound of muscle or I am going to lose my healthy shit!

Yes stupid little pound, I am happy I ate organic stone cut oats flavoured with tea just so you could find a place on my ass. I would have preferred toast and peanut butter followed by a large chai latte for breakfast had I known you were going to find me anyway.

On the plus side, I have found a new activity that I am madly in love with even though it has given me ouchy Jell-O arms. Wall Climbing! So fun. Now, I recommend you try it, but here is imperative information the instructors aren’t going to tell you, but you need to know prior to going:

Ladies, the harness....not flattering. It manages to push your love handles up, give you a lovely thigh bulge on both legs, AND squish your belly rolls. The absolute worst is the massive camel toe you get when hanging in front of everyone. How lovely, attractive, and not at all unpleasing. Don’t wear your lulus as white chalk and black pants don’t mix.

Men, the harness....may flatter your package. Providing you have one.

But other than that, great work out for your butt and arms! Try it (preferably with someone you don’t mind starring at your ass as you climb the wall).

In order to wall climb, you need to take a belay course. I went to register for said course at my gym, this is what occurred when I went to the reception desk to speak to one of the 6 teenagers standing around—I mean working there.

Me: Hi, I would like to register for today’s belay course (pronouncing it BEE-LAY and not beh-ley)
Bitchy grease hair teen with bad push up bra: What?
Me: I would like to register for today’s bee-lay course at 4
Me: Can I register for your 4pm bee-lay course today that starts in 10 minutes please
BGHTWBPUB: ummm well, do you have the course number?
Me: no, it is the bee-lay course your gym offers every Sunday at 4!
BGHTWBPUB: OOOHHHH, you mean “BEH-LEY” course, sure just sec.
Me in a snarky voice and an eye roll: oh, sorry “beh-ley”
BGHTWBPUB in a perky voice and a giggle at me: oh, that’s OK

Stupid bitch. Would it kill her to use “pardon” or “excuse me”? She knew EXACTLY what I was saying, but instead of being the customer service rep, she decided to school a newbie at the proper pronunciation of belay. Come on! For one, they only have one course at 4 pm that they offer every Sunday, and for two: what the hell else would I mean by BEELAY?

Try it!  It is fun, but don't say beelay.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I am 30 and take recess (Day 51)

I take two recesses a day: a morning snack and an afternoon snack. Are you eating 5 or 6 small meals a day? All of them balanced meals including veggies, carbs, healthy fat, and protein?

Today I was so busy running around preparing for a meeting that I missed my morning snack, even though I was starting to get shaky and irritable due to my lack of nutrition in the past 5 hours, I still had the will power to not indulge in the box of donuts that were supplied for our meeting. I just sat there, not paying attention to whatever that meeting was about, gulping my water and herbal tea, dreaming of the moment I could eat. I never miss eating, I am clockwork, just had one of those days with a billion people breathing down your neck waiting for stuff to get done.

Work makes me fat I have decided.

I put up such a big stink about how we always have crappy food at our office meetings that today my manager told me that we are going to have Subway for our lunch meeting tomorrow.

(Yes, I do have a lot of meetings. They are all extremely interesting and important (not).)

I know her heart was in the right place, but I don’t eat at subway, their bread has sugar and over processed flour, and most deli meats are usually loaded with sodium and nitrates, and that chicken patty thing doesn’t even look like chicken. But I know that Subway seems like a healthy place to eat for people who eat crap daily, and yes it is a better choice over the pizza, Vietnamese, or fast food that is usually ordered. So I spared the whole “hurting someone’s feelings over not eating their food” and said “mmmm I really love Subway salads, can I order that instead of a sub?” She happily obliged and I thanked her, and then wrote my order down for a veggie salad with no cheese, no dressing, and no croutons.

I then got a weird look which I just ignored because I am used to people thinking I am a weirdo.

“Sooooo, you want just a bowl of lettuce and vegetables?”

“Yes please!”

What? Subway cheese is weird, croutons are stale white bread, and I will bring in my own healthy homemade dressing!

My life revolves around food. How much to eat, how little to eat, calories, fat, ingredients, when to eat, when not to eat, where to eat out. It is such a pain in the neck some days I wish I lacked the will power and strength to succeed as a supper healthy fit wannabe and could just mosey into work without already having a balanced healthy breakie carrying a huge lunch bag filled with containers of fruit and veggies and snacks and a yummy lunch, also carrying my gym bag, also carrying my purse, also carrying my heels to wear in the office. I look like a bag lady when I am going to work.

I get to my desk in the morning, after lugging 20lbs of my junk up the stairs (only one flight thank god), Smokey McGee strolls in with her smoke stink and her double double and a buttered bagel that smells like heaven...oh I mean like crap! Bad Bagel! She says : “Are you moving in?” and then laughs herself into an asthma attack.

Remembering that I am not supposed to physically hurt people or swear at work. I muster up a clearly fake laugh and hold my anger in, I then hear this: “You wouldn’t have to bring so much food if you would just eat a burger and fries or something else with a little fat you know”.

(A little fat?)

Does she want to get hurt?

I do eat a fat: the proper healthy fats. Why is it sociably acceptable to poke fun at healthy people? Or thin people? I am not thin at all, but I hear people making jokes about thin people, right to their face:

“Eat some fat; it will do you some good to put meat on those bones”
“You are just skin and bones, no wonder you are cold”
“When you turn sideways I can’t see you”

This is fine to do, but commenting on someone who is fat and unhealthy is not?

People comment to smokers all the time about quitting, or cutting back, people are SO supportive of anyone trying to quit smoking. But if a fat person is trying to diet and be healthy, people are all over sabotaging them, “You have been dieting all week, come have dessert with us, one time won’t hurt” . Would anyone say this to a smoker? “Oh you haven’t had a cigarette all week, come out and have a smoke with us, one cigarette won’t hurt”.

Our world needs an attitude adjustment. I am going to bitch about it until everyone has compassion for those who choose to eat based on health for their bodies and not based on TV ads and convenience.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I am surrounded by morons (Day 50)

Kraft-dinner-leftovers-with-ketchup-for-lunch-girl came over to my desk today with a pack of cookies under her arm, asking me if I like Pirate Peanut Butter Cookies. I told her that I probably did when I was a kid but haven’t seen or eaten them since (kind of like Kraft Dinner with ketchup served out of a recycled cool whip tub you crazy weirdo). She then looked at me like I had a pencil stuck in my nose and snarled “you don’t even KNOW what you are missing”. Well, actually, I do know what I am missing: hydrogenated oil, processed carbs, and too much sugar to name a few. But, since I have resolved to be nicer to these freaks, I kept my mouth shut and said “Well it is probably better I don’t know, anyway...I thought your resolution was to lose weight?” She then said this as her defence:
“Yah, but Barb brought them in for me, so I am going to eat them”

In a heroic feat of self control I didn’t bitch slap her across the face.

“Riiiight, but once you get home Barb won’t know if you throw them out”
“What. I am not going to throw away perfectly good food”
(Perfectly good food?)
“So Barb brings in an opened bag of pirate cookies that cost her $3. Gives them to you because she doesn’t want them anymore, EVEN though she knows you are trying to lose weight, and you take them, and you are going to eat them to save her feelings and not your waistline? EVEN though you yourself JUST said you need another cookie like you need a hole in the head?”

Kraft-dinner-leftovers-with-ketchup-for-lunch-girl: “Ya, I don’t want to waste them”

I am going to go postal.

I really don’t know how much longer I can take this nonsense. Eating a bag of cookies to save someone’s feelings. Eating a bag of cookies so they won’t go to waste? That is complete BS for two reasons:

1. How on earth would someone’s feeling be hurt by this?
2. Those cookies won’t go bad as there is nothing natural about them.

Sigh, and that is why you are out of breath when you walk up the stairs.

Now, I know it is not my job to lecture people on what to eat or how much crap is in their food. So most of the time I keep my mouth shut. I mean, there is nothing more annoying than a holier-than-thou food critic telling you their superior nutrient knowledge while you eat. I really don’t care what food you are eating or what you do in your spare time, what bothers me is the fact that you are complaining about being fat and lethargic and how you can’t lose any weight, but yet all you do is complain. No the weight is not going to magically drop because you ate an apple as your snack today, but just shut your mouth and stop bitching.

That is my job.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


So it starts. Holiday leftovers brought into the office. Why is everyone against throwing food out? Is it because many of us were brought up hearing: “Don't waste food”, “Food cost money”, “Throwing away food is like throwing away money”, and (the most popular): “There are starving people in Africa". Yes, well not everyone in Africa is starving, and there are starving people here in our own country you know.

My Mom used to tell me there were starving people in Africa when I would leave those stupid peas and square cut carrots on my plate, I would yell back at her "Well send them this food then!" She would get so mad at me for being an ungrateful brat. It doesn't matter if the food goes in my belly or into the garbage, you already cooked it, you already paid for it. It is not going to make a difference to your wallet, or to the kids in Africa, if the food goes in a belly or in a trash can. Are the starving bellies in Africa going to magically get full if I shovel these peas and carrots in my mouth?
All my fellow office people are bringing in all their leftover holiday snacks, you know the ones that were not good enough for everyone to eat? The ones that have been sitting in their house over the holidays and now they no longer want, but have decided people in the office will want it? Or maybe they are bringing the snacks in because they made the “lose weight” resolution and they have cleaned out their own house, but then get mad because no one else in the office eats it? This is like when you go to a garage sale, and the people there are selling all their junk that they themselves no longer want, but expect other people to want it.

“Hmmmm, I have a half a plate of pumpkin pie, I will bring it to the office, someone there will eat it.” GOD! I wish these people would resolve to F off. I hate them.

DAMMIT. I broke one of my resolutions.  I forgot I am supposed to not hate these people.

If you are full, or if you have had a decent portion size, throw the rest away, or save it.  Do not "eat it as there is only one left" or "you don't want it to go to waste".   You are not going to feel better for eating it, nor will you feel sad for getting rid of it.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Day 48 (wowza) First entry of 2010!

How did everyone perform over the holidays? I am happy to report that I gained no weight over my two week vacation. Even though during Christmas holiday’s I did eat more than normal, and was not as 100% strict when I was eating out in restaurants, I managed to still work out, and walk around (shop) a lot.

Did you make any resolutions? Did you resolve to lose weight? Get in better Shape? Stay in good shape? Go to the gym more? Eat healthier? Every year I make the same resolution, EVERY YEAR! Every god damn year I resolve to lose weight. Start off strong, and then just stay around the same weight. I don’t want to hear anyone say “but you look fine” I DON’T CARE, I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT.

But this year, THIS YEAR, will be different. Right? RIGHT! I can do it, you can do it.

MILLIONS of people every year resolve to lose weight, most of them keep it up for a few months (some only a few weeks) a very small percentage actually loses weight. I am going to be in that small percentage this year! Next year will be my first New Years where I don’t have to make a resolution to lose weight (yay)! How Awesome.

Bitchin’ 2010 resolutions:
Run 10k
Drink more green tea
Be super fit and healthy
Lose weight (duh)
Stop hating people who are unhealthy (I will break this one tomorrow)

Since I was such a good girl this year, Santa gave me a pair of lululemon running socks in my umm sock, normally I don’t name drop, but I must say...they are like cushions of air around my feet, I am madly in love with them and would like to purchase a whole drawer full, unfortunately these floaty seamless super soft socks cost $14 each, so I am now taking lululemon sock donations, the men’s please as the women’s socks are silly colours.

Wearing my magic socks, I went on the stationary bike and plugged in my headphones to watch some TV. Scrolling through the channels, deciding NOT to watch anything on the food network, I landed on a movie that I so dearly love, and am embarrassed to say: 13 going on 30. I know, I know....I can’t help but love it, and apparently I am not the only one as one other stationary bike goer, and a elliptical bobber, also where tuned in to MTV to watch said movie. I have figured out my cure for machine boreness: find a movie you love and watch it. I was on that damn bike for 50 minutes, doing level 9 with intervals to level 15. I would have stayed on longer, even for the whole movie, but they gym was way busy and Stinky Sweaty McSweatyson next to me was polluting my odour free air.

Now that it is January, everyone has joined a gym with the good intention of losing weight or getting in shape. Luckily this isn’t my first January at a gym and I know that the influx of wannabes will slowly fade out, and I will no longer have to sign up for a machine (so lame).

I also asked Santa for some cheap sweaters for the gym and not expensive ones as I throw them around on the floor, wipe my sweat up, and hang them on the gross gym equipment (where only once it got caught up in the pulley system, bending the zipper so I had to wear it undone for the rest of its gym life). So, knowing that I may destroy these sweaters, Santa got me these two ‘yoga’ type jackets from Costco, and they kick serious ass. They are thin, and comfy, and stretchy, and cheap so you won’t feel bad if you use one as padding for your butt when you are doing V-sit barbell presses on the floor. I love them and can buy one whole jacket for the same price as my new lulu socks (???).

Fit Bitch Blog is uber cool now with it’s very own twitter page, or tweet? Twit? What? So if you have a twitter account, become a follower. If you don’t have a twitter account, don’t get one as it may consume your life, and really you aren’t friends with ALL the people you are following. How up to date do you really need to be? Remember how much free computer time you had before facebook?