Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Push Yourself

Well, in my quest to get super fit, I decided to do a 45 km bike ride. Not just any bike ride, none of this pussy little pathway bike ride crap, oh no no. To push it fit bitch style, I did a 45 km mountain bike ride. This is going to be awesome.

That was not awesome.

My legs and energy levels where completely depleted before 20 km were up. Uphill 20 km, followed by more uphill, then a one second downhill, then...you guessed it, more and more uphill. We were almost half way, we decided to wait until the halfway point to sit and have a lunch break because apparently there is a gorgeous must see lake that is a short detour from the main trail. Well, the “short detour” made me want to die. I am not sure what type of peyote our trail book author was on when he wrote the review on this trail, but 2 km of treacherous-no-bikes-allowed-be-prepared-to-encounter-wildlife and never get back up the trail you just went down, is NOT a ‘short detour’. We had to push our bikes the whole detour as you could barely walk, let alone ride the trail. Kill me now.
Wait, I just tweaked my knee and it is throbbing, now kill me.

Finally we make it to the lake, well, it was really pretty, but not worth the trek in, I mean, perhaps if you have never seen a mountain lake before? No, even then it wasn’t worth it. Never was I so happy to see other human beings in my whole life. Now if I pass out and die, at least there are other people around to notify the rescue team to helicopter in and get me.

Since I expended every calorie in my body, I mowed down my food at the speed of light, and then my bf and I reflected on the ridiculousness that just happened to us, laughed, favoured my aching knee, and then relaxed in the shade for a bit. When I thought I had enough energy to continue....we slowly left the lake, and it was happily a mix of up and down hill, followed by lots of downhill and then lots of straight-boringness. Ask me how easy it is to bike using only one leg? Not so easy.
We had another chance to stop at a mini waterfall, crystal clear river, and met another biking couple who must have had the same trail book we did as they did the exact same ride, so we we complained and laughed about how the people at the lake must have thought we were either really amazing bikers for having our bikes on that trail, or really stupid bikers, hahaha.

Another 10 km of pain.

6 hours later we make it to the car. I have jelly legs, an empty belly, completely drained, hot, tired, sore, covered in mud and dirt, and....happy.

I am so proud of us. Especially me (as hubby is a golden boy and does everything perfect) completing 45 km of mountain biking!!! The elevation gain was crazy, the views were stunning. However, I am never doing it again. Ever.

My quads are killing me. My ass...is OK surprisingly.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Can you believe this exists? Sandwich in a can? Is this a new low in ridiculous food. I saw this product reviewed on a website, where the writer suggested that this would be a GOOD food for kids to take to school. I then commented on his or her article with a sarcastic “yes, this is exactly what the already overweight kids of today need, an over processed preservative laced white bread sandwich in a CAN!” The writer then responded with “I was giving the product a fair chance since I haven’t seen the ingredients list”.

What? People out there think that this product could be good for you, what the hell? When you see/hear stuff like this, doesn’t it make you happy that we fitties have a brain? That we can look at an item of food and know that it is crap? I certainly am!

Hey look, coming soon: Pizza in a can! Burritos in a can! Chocolate bars in a can!

Monday, July 12, 2010

The most ridiculous food.

In my time, I have seen some stupid food out there, food that really shouldn’t even be classified as food. But my trip to the Calgary Stampede last night would make any fit girl (or boy) cringe! Not only is there the long time staples of the fair going strong, but every year they add new retarded stuff that makes me faint when I hear about it and makes me vomit when I actually see people eating it!

Hot beef sundae (yes, potatoes-meat-gravy-sundae)

BBQ turkey legs (People are walking around holding a MASSIVE turkey leg in their hand gnawing away at the bone. SICK!)  No pictures of this as vegetarians  may scream.  I eat meat, but anyone gnawing at a bone makes me queasy!

Anything you want on a stick is available on a stick (deep fried potato chips, hot dogs, and yes, even pizza. Pizza on a fucking stick!)
The regular fair crap: cotton candy, funnel cakes, elephant ears (beaver tails for those of you out east), corn dogs, mini doughnuts around every corner, sno cones, etc...)

Everything deep fried: zucchini, chicken, but, what takes the absolute cake are the following monstrosities I have witnessed:

Deep Fried Coke (I don’t know how this is possible, they have coke ‘syrup’ in a batter, I don’t get it either)

Deep Fried Macaroni and Cheese bites

Deep Fried Oreos

Deep Fried Twinkies

Deep Fried Cheesecake

Deep Fried Pickles (????)

Deep Fried Snickers Bars

And are you ready?

Deep Fried Jelly Beans

Deep Fried Gastric Bypasses also available

Yes, this is all true. This is not even the whole list of grossness available, but if I discuss any further I may hurl on my laptop. What else makes me hurl? The skinny boy sitting in front of me during the fireworks who I watched polish of the following in two hours time: Double burger and Fries, 1 slice of pizza, nachos, 1 large lemonade, and a bag of popcorn. Why is he skinny?! 

In other news, clogged arteries are now free with your Calgary Stampede Entrance Ticket.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Wha the?

OK, so like most women out there in a relationship, I work so hard to lose weight why hubby-dearest eats like a 15 year old boy and never gains an ounce (ARHG!!!). In fact, he is trying to GAIN weight (aren’t we a pair!). So, like a good little girlfriend, I looked online to find out some tips to help him gain weight. Do you know what I found? DO YOU? Well, I found: THE SAME F’ING TIPS THAT ARE TO LOSE WEIGHT!!! Yes, things like:

Drink more water

Eat lean protein

Add protein powder

Eat more vegetables

Lift weights

Get more sleep

Um? These are the same things that we do to lose weight? Clearly we can’t win.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Camping Fit Bitch Style

OK, I don’t really get people who go sit in a tent in the woods just to hang around the campsite all weekend. Now, this may sound contradictory as I LOVE camping. But, I love camping in places with running hot water and campsite that are in a vicinity of awesomeness (hikes, biking trails, the beach, the lake, etc...) Just hanging out in a campsite eating and drinking all day sounds like no fun and makes me antsy just thinking about it. You get up, have greasy bacon and eggs, sit around, have hamburgers for lunch, sit around, drink, snack, then for supper you have god know what, sit and drink more, then it is night time so you roast wieners over the fire (mmrrph), drink more, make smores and eat 6 random roasted marshmallows, then have more snacks, more drinks. Goodness, we are at, what...6000 calories? Not to mention you have been sitting on your ass all day.


1. Kayaks for fun racing and upper body work

2. Bikes for ass and thighs

3. Trail shoes for hiking or a woodsy run

4. Healthy camping food

5. Active Games (Frisbee, toss games, catch, what ev)

Spending the day exerting calories doing fun activities in the sun make that evening beer around the fire go down with less guilt, no? We know what healthy fruits, veggies, and snacks to bring, and having oatmeal, or eggs and fruit for breakfast isn’t that hard. It’s the supper where everyone wants to chow down, followed by campfire snacks, that I find hard! Other than the usually healthy BBQ meals (grilled chicken or fish, roasted veggies, corn on the cob) what about the camping staple? BURGERS!

Healthy Burgers! All of these recipes use:

- Whole grain thin pita bun thing (Superstore, Sobeys) or any type of thin whole grain bun that isn’t white, super healthy fit bitch buns don’t exist, so we have to use the next best thing (unless you want to substitute lettuce leaves or healthy bread for buns)

- NO KETCHUP. Ketchup = sugar, same with BBQ sauce. You are allowed mustard if you wish.

- Super lean burger (meat of your choice, or have a veggie patty) once this is done cooking, feel free to dab with paper towel, or wrap it in paper towel and exert all your weight on it soaking up ALL the excess fat. What?


1. Avocado slices, red onion, feta (light), alfalfa or radish sprouts, tomato slice, dill pickle slices
(this is my absolute fave)

2. Pesto, goat cheese (L), lettuce, tomato

3. Sautéed onion and red peppers, avocado

4. Roasted red peppers (fresh made or from a jar), red onion, sprouts or lettuce, and tomato

5. Light cheddar & salsa

Can you tell I love avocado and tomato? What are your favourites? The ones above are very easy and perfect for camping, they will fill you up and all you have to do is bring a few ingredients/toppings with you.
You will be full of healthy goodness, not of fatty crap, plus you will be able to move after supper.
My office, 10:00 am, four boxes of timbits, two boxes of chocolate muffin tops, 1 half a strawberry rhubarb cake.

My office, 3:00 pm, 1 box of timbits with 3 left, no chocolate muffin tops left, 1/4 strawberry rhubarb cake left.