I don’t know anything in the world that is more frustrating than trying like a mofo all week to lose weight but in actuality you gain weight. What the hell? That better be an extra pound of muscle or I am going to lose my healthy shit!
Yes stupid little pound, I am happy I ate organic stone cut oats flavoured with tea just so you could find a place on my ass. I would have preferred toast and peanut butter followed by a large chai latte for breakfast had I known you were going to find me anyway.
On the plus side, I have found a new activity that I am madly in love with even though it has given me ouchy Jell-O arms. Wall Climbing! So fun. Now, I recommend you try it, but here is imperative information the instructors aren’t going to tell you, but you need to know prior to going:
Ladies, the harness....not flattering. It manages to push your love handles up, give you a lovely thigh bulge on both legs, AND squish your belly rolls. The absolute worst is the massive camel toe you get when hanging in front of everyone. How lovely, attractive, and not at all unpleasing. Don’t wear your lulus as white chalk and black pants don’t mix.
Men, the harness....may flatter your package. Providing you have one.
But other than that, great work out for your butt and arms! Try it (preferably with someone you don’t mind starring at your ass as you climb the wall).
In order to wall climb, you need to take a belay course. I went to register for said course at my gym, this is what occurred when I went to the reception desk to speak to one of the 6 teenagers standing around—I mean working there.
Me: Hi, I would like to register for today’s belay course (pronouncing it BEE-LAY and not beh-ley)
Bitchy grease hair teen with bad push up bra: What?
Me: I would like to register for today’s bee-lay course at 4
Me: Can I register for your 4pm bee-lay course today that starts in 10 minutes please
BGHTWBPUB: ummm well, do you have the course number?
Me: no, it is the bee-lay course your gym offers every Sunday at 4!
BGHTWBPUB: OOOHHHH, you mean “BEH-LEY” course, sure just sec.
Me in a snarky voice and an eye roll: oh, sorry “beh-ley”
BGHTWBPUB in a perky voice and a giggle at me: oh, that’s OK
Stupid bitch. Would it kill her to use “pardon” or “excuse me”? She knew EXACTLY what I was saying, but instead of being the customer service rep, she decided to school a newbie at the proper pronunciation of belay. Come on! For one, they only have one course at 4 pm that they offer every Sunday, and for two: what the hell else would I mean by BEELAY?
Try it! It is fun, but don't say beelay.