Sunday, February 28, 2010

Um, actually...I like the Olympics.

OK, I totally retract my “sick of the Olympics” comment, after today, watching the montage of winning moments, people crying, the patriotism, I am a little sad the Olympics are over. Everything looks so much better in slow-mo with ‘I Believe’ playing in the background. That cute speed skating couple screaming and hugging each other with major ass tapping after they won medals? ADORABLE! Seeing Canada erupt with absolute joy after Crosby scored the winning goal for gold, sigh. Why didn’t I go to Vancouver to be part of this?

So really I am just sick of the constant sports on TV, I am not at all sick of people loving Canada and seeing people uber excited.

Definitely these super fit athletes have motivated me to keep on keepin’ on with this get fit now movement, and I want to be an Olympian too! I looked at the list for the summer Olympics in London, and I think I could probably learn archery in 2 years. That looks semi easy.

This is Day 101. Can you believe that? Although I have been stuck around the 10 lb loss rate, I can tell I am getting fitter, stronger, and looking better. I have upped my working-outness so hopefully that 10lb loss plateau will leave me alone and I will be skinny and super hot in no time.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

My pants are falling down

Is anyone else sick of the Olympics? I don’t want to see anything going fast on snow for a long time, I mean, how exciting is it to watch a bobsled go down the same track over and over again? It’s only exciting when people fall out of them, and that is because it is scary.

Also weird: There are grown ass men, all tough and burly, drinking their beer and sucking their chicken wings just GLUED to the figure skating....what?
Anyway, I fully support the arts, so I am fine with this. It is just weird. Moving on....

It is almost day 100. Can you believe that craziness? I should have done a fitness test or something at the beginning of this Get Fit Project, like they do on TV. But I wasn’t smart enough to think of that. I will just have to put up a fat before picture and a hot afterwards picture....sigh....not there yet. But getting there :) today I wore a pair of pants I haven’t worn in a while, and I didn’t realize it this morning (as I am usually in a sleepy coma until recess) and as I was walking towards the photocopier, they started to slide off my butt! How embarrassing. I spent the whole day:

1. Frustrated that my pants wouldn’t stay up
2. Happy that my pants wouldn’t stay up
3. Trying to fashion a pant-holder-upper device out of paperclips and staples

You know I am going to throw them in the hamper, and then once they are clean, I will hang them up in my closet forgetting that they do not fit me, and try to wear them again! Like that damn grey pair with the hole in the ass that I keep forgetting about!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

It is almost day 100!

Plus side:
I have found my happy place. My new hobby of climbing has really given me an activity I can do in the winter and I really look forward to it. Usually by 4pm I just want to go home and cuddle up on the couch, but today I just couldn’t wait for the day to get over so I could go climbing! I love having an activity to look forward too, this is how I feel about biking in the summer, and must be how people who play on sports teams feel.

Negative side:
I just don’t know what do to anymore; I can’t keep defending myself every day I get teased about food. Today I was eating an apple, the best apple I ever tasted, firm and juicy and sweet, and I made this mistake of saying “mmm, this apple is so good” well, I then heard:
“How can an apple be so good, it’s not like you are eating a cheeseburger, fruit just makes me hungrier”
Sigh, this is the same dude who:
1. Has a hard on for chicken wings
2. Drinks coke EVERY DAY
3. Told me carrots are really high in sugar (uh 4g of natural sugar per 14 mini carrots....yes, that is so the same thing as a chocolate bar and bottle of coke for your recess)

So from now on I am just going to eat crappy food and sit my ass on the couch and become the next Ruby. Then I will be so fat I can qualify for disability and get paid to sit at home and spiral into a potato chip induced coma and pay for two airline seats.


Monday, February 22, 2010

Cold run

Running in the cold is so hard (well, to me). You have to dodge the ice and snow, you get road salt all over your nice sneakers, and when it is wet and slushy you get that weird grey messy goop on the back of your pants, and your throat? Well my throat, I guess I can’t speak for everyone, feels like I am inhaling frozen razor blades, and then I spend the rest of the day coughing like a chain smoker.

So, what is my other option? Running on my treadmill...that huge expensive machine that I swore I would use every day, but in actuality I barely use it once a week.

“Well.....I will put a TV in front of the treadmill, then I will use it more”

Um, no...didn’t work.

At least it makes a nice clothes hanger.

I hate the winter. Being stuck inside sends me into a deep depression. I can’t wait for the summer, with all its fun activities, and tanned skin, and, oh yah....I dislike that part of summer.

Right, bathing suits, the reason I am getting up early to go for this run. Brrrr it looks so chilli out. Let’s see:

Warm pants, moisture wicking tank, socks, & bra, lip balm, moisturiser with sun screen. Check.

Extra grippy sneakers to reduce ass over kettle slips and spills. Check.

Polarized form fitting sunglass that cost too much but will enable me to see hidden slippy patches so I cannot slip and bruise my tailbone causing me to use an invalid ring when I want to park my keister. Check.

Super fun blue ‘buff’ that I can use to warm my neck, cover my ears, use as a hat, and when I get skinny I can use it as a tank top like the skinny girls on Survivor. Check.

Long sleeve luon cool temp running sweater with armpit vents and built in ‘mittens’ to cover my fingers (this also cost too much, but I need to look cool). Check.

Running route with the least amount of uphill jaunts mapped out in my head. Check.

I take a once over view of my outside running least I look like I know what I am doing.

People will see me and think “wow, she must do this all the time, what determination she must have to run in this cold weather, how inspiring!”

Ready, here I go, to run in the cold....I am scared.

This isn’t soo bad, yes my throat hurts from the cold air, yes I am overly cautious of all the ice and snow, but it is very refreshing, and after a few minutes I am no longer cold, just panting and sweaty and tired. I want to take a break and walk, but I can’t as there are some people outside up ahead so I have to keep running until I pass them and I am out of sight, as I need them to think I am an awesome professional runner.

The closer I get to them I see that they are matching jacket wearing runners as well, crazy people!

As soon as I pass them, they start running....right behind me, great, now I can’t stop.

My innards are burning, and the twins are still following me. I cross the road to start running back this way I can lose the people behind me and take a little break.

Sigh, except there is another runner running towards me now, behind him. Why are so many people out running in this blistering weather?

OK, I have passed them; I take a break and speed walk home for some hot tea and some massive stretching.

How rewarding! My first cold weather run (that didn’t end after 5 minutes with me chickening out and going home to my warm predictable treadmill). Now I know I can do it!

It is actually not SOOOO bad, I will do it again....later.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Climb baby climb


Wall climbing is awesome.
Try it.
However, it is hard to type with my Jell-O arms and raw fingers.

Here are the following things I learned today:

1. It is possible to take pictures with one hand while your friends life dangles in the other

2. A lot of hot guys climb

3. Climbing guys love climbing girls

4. Sorry, most of the girls climbing were really hot

5. Your ass actually doesn’t look as bad as you think it would all strapped in and spilling out everywhere (muffin butt as my friend calls it)

6. Trust me, when you are 30 feet up in the air balancing on a nubby the size of a kiwi, you no longer are self conscious about anything relating to your fatty bits

7. When you and your girlfriend beat three big guys in a climb, it is so satisfyingly good you may need a cigarette afterwards

8. It is actually really easy to learn, and you can progress at your own pace, even if you are partnered with someone who is way better than you are, you can also be in groups of three

9. You will have super sexy arms and shoulders that will make that little black dress look even better

10. You look supper cool. Period.

I do feel like I still have a massive wedgie however, I am assume the better I get, the less times I will fall causing the harness to ride up my ass.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Nothing at all interesting happened in my life today, however tomorrow I am going wall climbing, at an actual wall climbing facility, with people that know what they are doing, and not just “look” like they do because they have a super awesome chalk bag (me).

I will write all about it tomorrow if I don’t plummet to my death due to faulty belaying.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Day 89

Fat old unhealthy guy at my work: There is birthday cake downstairs, did you have some?

me: no
him: why not, its carrot cake, and you are eating a bag of carrots
me: yeah, that’s the same
him: I am surprised your skin isn't orange
me: carrots don't make your skin orange
him: they do if that’s all you eat
me: I don't eat a lot of carrots, I eat a normal amount, just because I eat more carrots than you do does not mean that is all I eat.
him: I know that isn't all you eat, I am just kidding.
me: do you want a carrot?
him: no they are really high in sugar
me: are you kidding? they are a vegetable, they are full of good stuff and the sugar is natural.
him: nah, if I am going to have sugar I am going to have a third piece of cake.
me: you realize that isn’t the same thing right?
him: sugar is sugar
me: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU FATTY (no, I just quietly munched my carrot as I have given up)

I swear to god, this is what I deal with on a daily basis. Isn't carrot cake exactly the same as eating carrots?! Just like eating blueberry jam is the same as eating fresh blueberries. Hell, don't even get me started on strawberry daiquiris!

Thankfully I derive pleasure in knowing that I will soon look majorly hot. But, why is it that when My body decides to shed some pounds and tone up a bit, the pounds are shed from my boobs and not my gut? My upper torso looks like it belongs to a skinny person, and my lower torso looks like it belongs to an old Kirstie Alley pre Jenny Craig (and apparently post Jenny Craig if I am to believe the tabloids). This is natures sick sense of humour telling me "you will lose weight how I decide bitch!" uhg, yet again another reason why people get so discouraged. Almost 90 days of being a super healthy nut wanna be, and still I have so far to go. Why can't I just wake up and be skinny?

How many more days until bathing suit season? 120ish? 120 days to lose 120 pounds, a pound a day, that is realistic right? ;)

OK OK OK, new short term goal, 15 lbs by swimsuit season...of this year...I need to establish what date will be considered swimsuit season start....June 21?

Please advise.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Confession # 3 (Day 88)

Sigh, I am Laaaaazy

This is day 88.  Why am I not a super healthy crazy person who gets up and runs in the morning before she goes to work yet?  I better be awesome by day 100 or I am going to lose my shit!

I can procrastinate all day. Especially when it is time to go to the gym. Oh, I need to do laundry, hmmm my floor is really dirty, I better pay the bills right now this very second, oh I really should return these recyclables right now, and that magazine rack isn’t going to sort itself.

Why is it so hard to get my fat ass to the gym? Gym good for me, gym make ass skinny, I pay for gym...GO!

I also created a gym down stairs in my basement, I couldn’t GET any closer...but yet...I would rather not go down there, why is this? Once I am there I am good, I am motivated to work out and push myself, but why is it so hard to get there? I have to heed my own advice and just GO, just get there and once I am there I will work out.

I think I am going to invent a pill, this is a special pill you will take when you are unmotivated, and once it is in your belly you will magically want to go work out.

I have today off work, and I should be monopolizing this free time by working out hard core and relishing the fact that I have a bunch of spare time to work out. But instead I am spending my day watching movies and creeping on Facebook.

I am going to down 6 espressos and then get my butt moving to the workout playlist on my ipod, in the meantime, is someone could tell me how to get a magic work out motivating pill that would be great.

OK, so no matter how unmotivated I am, I will feel better after the work out. I will feel better, look better, and sleep better. Also, after I work out I refuse to eat anything crappy as I didn’t perspire my weight in sweat just to load my belly up with some shitty food. Also, I am thinking of that super hot model-instructor with the rock hard ass, I want to look like that, she didn’t wake up one day looking like that, and neither will I....

I am off to work out!

Thursday, February 11, 2010


Oh Jamie Oliver....I used to love you, but recently I saw your “Jamie Oliver: Australian Diary” and it was super tacky and beyond lame....oh, and your Song you sang and danced to on stage and broke out into a drum solo called “I want a Fish Stew” while you had fish stew cooking....well, when you sing it with your lisp and accent, it sounds like “I wanna Fist You” tsk tsk Jamie Oliver, TSK TSK!! Go back to your garden and cook natural food please, that is why people love you, not because you are a semi-ok-at-best drummer.

Props to the soup sampler guy who sold me the eight dollar soup.
I said “MMMMM, it is so hard to find yummy soup that doesn’t have sugar in it”
and he said “I KNOW RIGHT?”
hee hee, I want to be his friend—but I am afraid of dreadlocks.

Dear Men,
Do you have to take up so much room when you sit next to me? Yes, you have a penis, I get it....could you close your legs a little, I promise no one will think you are gay.

To: Mr. Beef-Head-barbed-wire-tattoo-epitome-of-douchbaggery at my gym,
Is it completely necessary for you to grunt and drop your weights on the floor when you are done your reps? Yes, we are all startled by the noise causing us to look over to your general direction seeing your huge weights on the floor understanding that you must have just lifted them to exhaustion, hero. This wasn’t impressive the first time, nor is it impressive the tenth time. Take your sideways trucker hat and wrist band away from my Zen space.

She who keeps bringing her boys into the changing room at my gym. USE THE FAMILY ROOM!!! Penis do not belong in the women’s changing room. Just as little girls do not belong in the men’s changing room. God, use your head you sicko! You make me feel like a prev, I don’t like to be naked around ten year old boys! ARHG!

Second Cup Cafe: While you felt like you had to charge me an extra fifty cents for soy milk in my decaf coffee that literally measured to 1 tablespoon makes me want to boycott your whole chain. You should have options for those who can’t have or don’t want your milk and cream that has been sitting out all day. When I asked you to leave lots and lots of room for milk, that means leave lots and lots of room for milk, not fill the cup the same way you fill the other cups and then charge me extra. Bad coffee place. BAD!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Lack of sugar making me crazy?

There is a nasty woman at my office; she must eat pizza, beer, a dead racoon, and beans for supper every night because the next day it smells like rotting carcasses in the bathroom when she leaves it. Usually I am pretty good at timing my bathroom breaks around her morning smell-a-thons, but today I couldn't hold it and really needed to go. So I had no choice but to plug my nose and deal with the smell of rottenness covered up with febreeze flower spray (no, it does not capture odours and eliminate them as the commercial suggests!) once I made it into the stall (trying not to pass out from holding my breath) I grabbed some TP and wrapped it around my head covering my nose and mouth, ahhh, I can breathe semi alright now, as I was sitting there, my blackberry dinged and I started messaging one of my friends ( have NEVER sent a text while peeing?) when I got up I almost dropped my blackberry case in the toilet, thankfully to have cat like reflexes I managed to catch it before it took a yellow bath, washed and dried my hands and left the bathroom.

Yes, left the bathroom...with the toilet paper tied around my head covering my mouth and nose like I was going to hold up my office. I was preoccupied with my near mishap of dropping stuff into the toilet and laughing about the text I read...I was almost to my desk before I realized this, and quickly ran back to the bathroom (obviously) my desk really isn't that far from the bathroom, but at this moment it felt like I was just running and running and I was not getting anywhere closer to the stupid bathroom (DAMN YOU SMELLY PIZZA BUTT) I made it to the bathroom, safe from colleague torment.

This happened at about 9 am this morning, and no one said anything about it too me all day, this leads me to believe that

1. No one saw me
2. They decided that I am a weirdo and they no longer want to speak to me.

Hey, did you see that girl upstairs? The one that eats that weird grain bread and runs around the office with her face covered in toilet paper? She is a freak! I heard she dances at her cubicle during her breaks.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Belay Test PASSED!

With flying colours!  Now to practice the actual climbing aspect, I have little weakling fingers which don't do a great job of holding my massive ass up in the air.  I will have to start doing finger push-ups.  I can't wait to go REAL climbing in the Rockies, I am going to get cute girly gear and tape my fingers and look totally cool like I am an expert and scale the side of mountains every day, belaying like a pro.

I hate my gym more and more every day. I am going to stay home and P90X my way to a rocking body as this whole working out with the general public is making me want to poke needles in my eyes. So, I am paying $45 a month, and had to deal with the following sillyness:

1. A drunk 17 year old acting like an annoying whore in the steam room (she put her make-up on in the change room BEFORE she went into the steam room, so she had racoon eyes whilst she was offering blowjobs to the men in the steam room).
2. A ten year old boy in the female change room (yes, there are ten year old girls in this change room. INAPPROPRIATE!
3. A cleaner washing the floor with a mop and then using said mop to wash the lockers and benches.
4. Snobby false sense of entitlement teenagers who try to school newbie wall climbers in the proper pronunciation of BELAY!
5. Gum in the water bottle holders EVERYWHERE

On the plus side, by gym has the following bonuses:

1. I kick ass circuit class that makes my cry for my mommy it is so tough
2. A climbing wall (so fun)
3. Um, I can only think of two bonuses.

Has anyone done the P90X workout? It is brutal and not easy at all. 90 minutes a day of intense, hard, too-crazy-for- me working out, there are DVDs filled with different workouts for different body parts that you do each day. I have done a few of these, and have been so sore I couldn’t move the next day. Sigh....I must be a masochist to try this again.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Ways to lose weight (for hilarity purposes)

Get a puppy
You will be so preoccupied with making sure the puppy doesn’t piss and shit everywhere that you won’t have time to eat. Not to mention all the walks and other energy releasing activity dogs requires.

Enter into any type of ‘thon’ (Triathlon, Bikeathon, Marathon, etc...)
You will HAVE to train train train. Enter with a friend and push each other! Run longer than them, swim harder than them, bike uphill the whole way while they are pushing their bike!

Give up dairy for a bit
There is a lot of fat hiding in dairy and you would be surprised how many calories you save by not having cheese on everything.

Stop drinking!
Being drunk is a lot of fun, I know this...and a couple glasses of wine while relaxing is the best thing since control top panty hose, BUT it is too many calories you are adding into a week, not to mention all the extra work you need to do to burn off those extra alcohol calories. When you are drunk you eat way more, and when you are hung-over you eat crap food. So just stop for a bit please. Don’t be a cranky baby, you can do it.

Take a class
People working out in a class with others vs. working out alone typically do more and push themselves harder, not to mention most class instructors will make you do more than you do alone anyway. So go on and show up that girl next to you, your thighs are WAY stronger than hers!

Have a competition with your spouse or a friend
Who can lose the most weight?
Who can run further, fastest?
Who can lift more?
Who has the firmest ass?
Who’s upper arms flab flops around the least?
Or if you are in a relationship where your partner doesn’t need to lose weight, but maybe is trying to bulk up or gain weight have a contest where you lose weight, and he gains weight. Have the prize be something awesome, like a trip away, or a new outfit, a car... whatever budget fun you can manage.

Buy your thinness
Give your spouse friend $500 (whatever you can afford) and tell them not to give it back to you until you have reached _____ pounds (or some other goal) I think I may do this one, who wants to hold $500 of my dollars without spending it?

Don’t buy any new clothes until you lose weight
Then you will so tired of looking like a bum that you will have no choice but to lose some fat and to fit into a hot new flattering outfit that would make Stacey and Clinton so proud!

So let’s recap here:

You will be a fat dairy eating uncompetitive frumpy drunk


You will be a thin well dressed sober healthy competition-going smokin’ hot package of greatness

Hmmmm, which one will you choose?

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Wow, what day is this?

I went to a health show today, and have had my fire-to-be-super-healthy stoked. Typical of any sort of trade show you see, there were a lot of great booths filled with information, samples, education, and free stuff. Then in between all the goodness was a lot of crap that I just don’t get, such as: Aura picture taking, Palm readings, Reiki massages, and the stupidest thing I have ever seen: wearing certain coloured stones around your neck to help you achieve something that you want. God, just because I want to learn all I can to be a healthy super woman, doesn’t mean I am an idiot and think I can become thin because I have a blue stone on a piece of string around my neck. I will get a pink stone, a blue stone, a black stone and then I will be a rich and skinny with an over active sex drive. Ridiculous! Almost as ridiculous as the ‘Honey Hand Cream’ that will make your hands so soft and not wear off after you wash your hands that it is worth $40 for a 700 ml pump. Please! I tried it, my hands are still dry. $40 for some hand cream, really? Who buys this?

Is it a new thing to be a life coach? Life coaches seem to be popping up everywhere now, like Asian tattoos in this 90s. What type of credentials does one need to be a life coach? Do people just wake up one day and decide they are qualified to guide other people towards a prosperous life where they can be all they can be? This has to be one of the dumbest job titles out there, right up with Subway employees being called Sandwich Artists and bartenders calling themselves mixologists. Last night I decided to make a vision board, a sandwich, and a cocktail. OMG, I am a life coaching-artistic-mixologist!


Although... I could be considered an idiot as I spent $8 on some organic yam and carrot soup (so good btw!).

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Day 76

A little snarky pimply teenage totally gave me attitude today. I was at the smoothie bar at my gym today and asked for a smoothie in a small size. Mr. Smoothie advised me that I can’t have that particular kind in a small as they only have four pre-portioned KID sizes, and if I want a KID size I will have to order from the snacking menu. I mentioned that I don’t want those, and he snarled “A Large is like almost two dollars more you know”.

Yes, you little brat. I am aware of the prices you have as they are listed directly after each smoothie in dark bold numbers.

I explained to brat-face that it is not the price of the smoothie, it is the fact that I don’t want to eat that much mushed fruit, juice, and yogurt. He then looked at me weird, as if most normal people can drink their massive freezing smoothies and not get brain freeze while they finish it before it melts into sloppy liquid.

Who decided that a litre of smoothie is a normal serving? I have never finished one. Yes, I understand fruits are good for you, but you do not need to eat too much of a good thing, especially if it is the evening, do you really need 400 calories and 40 g of carbs in your system when it is close to super time? In the morning, before a mountain hike, yes, carb it up. But at 6pm at night? I don’t want to eat that much right now, why can they not provide at least two sizes?

So I ordered a “kid” smoothie with a shot of protein powder and calcium and also a shot of wheatgrass.

Did you know that an ounce of wheatgrass has the same nutritional benefit of 2.5 pounds of leafy vegetables? Yes, 2.5 POUNDS (well, that is what the internet is telling me).

Totally worth the few seconds it takes to chug back a shot of green slime, come know you have put worse in your mouth!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Day 75

So God must have been reading my blog, because a new guy started at my office today, and during recess he offered me some of his snack...Organic cinnamon covered almonds from the farmer’s market! I almost passed out with excitement, but decided it would not make a great first impression if I passed out in front of the new guy! I decided a better first impression would be to accept some almonds and then I offer him some of my recess (organic whole grain apple spice muffins with no dairy sugar or bad stuff). When I showed him my spare muffin (ok ok, yes...I was going to eat two of them) He said he couldn’t have any because he has a gluten allergy...OMG...HALLELUJAH!!!

Do you know what this means? This means that for lunch meetings we will have another option other than pizza, subs, and burgers. I have never been so happy to hear someone tell me they had an allergy (and mean it) before in my whole life!


Also, on another happy note one of my friends gave me a new pair of magic lulu socks, which means I can run faster and longer as the magic of the lulu transforms my feet.

What a fabulous day.

Monday, February 1, 2010

OMG it is day 74!!!

74 days?  I need to smarten the hell up!   Why am I not skinny yet?  I wish I could just wake up and be smoking hot.

Pause the Bitchings! Moment of thanks:
I would like to take a minute to thank the people in my life (not my work people), my friends and my family.
I am lucky enough to be surrounded by supportive people (minus my work peeps) who are either 100% supportive and going through this journey with me, or are considerate enough to respect my decisions (not including co-workers) when we go out to dinner, have parties together, or cook me Christmas dinner. So Bitchyness aside, thanks to all of you, especially my wonderful hubby-in-common-law for trying all the new super healthy dinners, being all around supportive, and following the no-chips-in-the-house-rule.