Sunday, April 10, 2011

Pole Dancing Fitness?

Pole Dancing Fitness Class? Me?

Yes, that is right, why not give it a try?

I must admit I considered bailing a few times as pole dancing class sounds so...well sluty! But I am trying new fitness things, and this is a new here we go! I arrive early for the class, and there is no waiting area inside, so I sit in my car watching the previous class "perform", clearly they are a couple levels ahead. As I watch the girls from my car I am very aware that I resemble a pervert parked in the lot peeking through the cracks in the curtains to watch amateur pole dancers. It does look...semi fun? More than anything it looks scary as so many people are watching you whore it up. My god that blonde chick just turned upside down and wrapped her legs around the pole, let go of her hands, and slid gracefully down to the floor and did some hooker get up move, man...will I have to do that? I am not sure these thighs are cut out for rubbing down a brass pole bearing all my weight.

It is time to go in, and I am happy to report that the rest of the new girls look just as scared as I do. I am also surprised to see chubby girls and old woman, good for them for branching out and taking sexy lessons! The rest of the other girls look like me which makes me happy. When it is my turn at the reception desk I say "Hi, I am here for stripper lessons."

Whoa...I get a death look

"UH, you mean pole dancing class?" the receptionist snaps.

I rack my brain and try to think of another 'profession' that would utilize a stripper pole in their daily duties, but decide to not piss off the receptionist with a bull ring through her nose.

"Oh, sorry...yes I want to dance with the pole please"

Bull nose is not impressed and she sends me to the floor group first (dammit!).

I go to the group stretching on the mats (apparently you need to limber up before straddling a pole?) the girl next to me whispers "why do they only have 5 poles when they have classes of 15?" I reply "to punish the ones that call it stripper lessons apparently" she laughs and we are instantly best stripper friends.

Well, I must say. There is more to pole dancing class than flinging yourself around a pole. One, you have to learn to do everything "sexy" there is none of this flopping down on the floor and then jumping back up like you normally would, oh no no no. You have to cat crawl around, and thrust your pelvis around, and POINT YOUR FEET (as I keep getting yelled at to do), and stick that tush out I am told more than once. Also, you are not allowed to walk normal, you have to sexy-walk everywhere, which is actually quite fun.

OK, I instantly feel sexier now that I can walk and crawl like a temptress. LET ME AT THE POLE!

Finally it is my group’s turn to slut it up at the poles. We clean them first (gross) and then learn your basic stripper moves (I mean pole dancing class moves) and now it’s time to grab the pole with your hands (insert dirty joke here) and slide down gracefully, holding all your weight, sliding ever so sexy down the pole and lay sultry down on the floor. Yay I can't wait to try.

Time to sexy-walk up to the pole, my turn!

I now have pole burn.

How did she do that? I did exactly what my instructor did, but instead of slipping around gracefully and oozing stripper elegance, I gyrated down the pole like a vibrating dildo making an unattractive squeaking noise and slammed into the floor. God! I sexy-walk away in shame.

So after an hour of stripper lessons...sorry, I mean pole dancing class...I have come to the following conclusions:
1. This is not a ‘workout’ more of an activity
2. Pole dancing is F*cking hard
3. Strippers deserve those $5 bills they get stuffed in their G-strings
4. I really want to ask the instructors if they are strippers, but figure that will be rude. (do you think they are? I need to know.)

So the next day:
1. My hands are sore from grasping pole (insert another dirty joke here)
2. The tops of my feet are bruised as I don’t know how to gracefully slide down a pole
3. I catch myself sexy-walking to the printer twice
4. I almost try a spin on the stop sign. Almost, it was too wobbly and probably would buckle under the pressure.


So an update on this post.  Anyone who pole dances for fun and does it not to strip.  I get it, I did it for fun too and would do it again.  I am not a stripper.  Yes, I know you all aren't strippers.  This Blog is called "fit BITCH blog", so if you want to anonymously post that I am being rude and saying everyone is a stripper, then you didn't read the whole article.  Relax, if you can't take pole dancing jokes lightly, then perhaps you should take up another activity that isn't associated so closely with naked women who strip for money.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

7 weeks to go

We as you know I (and most of my bridal party) am trying to lose those last pesky fat pounds so we can rock it on the beach in a mere 7 weeks. We want to look like hot sexy models and not like this:

Or at least that is how I see myself in my mind some days when that EFFing scale won’t budge, and that stupid measuring tape doesn’t get any smaller.

So what I need is ‘extra’ help....but what? I am desperate and at the point where I find myself looking at fat burner pills, and Jillian Micheals Detox pills....but as we know...whole healthy food and exercise is key, not pills. Calories are already being counted, fat and carb grams are being watched....exercising as much as possible....What else can I do?

How about kick my ass into high gear: Signed up for BIKINI BOOT CAMP!

Oh my god what have I done? First class is this week, I will keep you posted :)