DO NOT DRINK YOUR CALORIES

I have followed this rule since I was a youngin. Usually by only drinking water and Diet Coke (this was before I realized how horrid aspartame is). But now that I am a sicky-sooky-poo, I have been drinking only juice, water, and smoothies, trying to sooth my ridiculous sore throat that feels like I drank a razor blade and vodka cocktail, I am reminded why it is so important to NOT drink your calories.
Everyone’s caloric intake level is different. I am going to use 2000 calorie per day diet to illustrate my point.

Yesterday I drank 1 litre of pure fresh squeezed juice full of vitamin C, some pomegranate juice to up my antioxidant levels, and a berry smoothie mixed with omega and fibre, and ice tea. Do you know how many calories that is? 1500. That is right. 1500 calories that I drank. How many calories do you drink? If you are drinking coffee or tea with sugar, juice, cocktails, let us not forget wine.

So, when you have a full day of digesting nothing more than juice, water, and cold medication, you might become a little loopy. Case in point:

1. I tried to pump soap out of the paper towel dispenser at work

2. I then was waiting for the tap to turn on because I thought it was a motion tap, even though I have been using that same bathroom for 6 months.

3. I was at the pharmacy trying to pick out cold medication, and I was comparing the medical ingredients of the no name brand to the medical ingredients of the brand name one (why? There was a $10 difference, and yes the ingredients were exactly the same) and it took me about 3 minutes before I realized I was reading the French section. Nope, I don’t know French.

4. I took a wrong turn on my way home, A WRONG TURN! I drive home the same way every workday. Wtf?

So now I am curled up on the couch watching a movie. Hopefully my body burns calories off trying to fight this cold.

:(

I am very sick.  I wouldn't be sick if idiots at work would stay home when they are hacking up their lungs.  I plan on staying in bed for the next year as I feel like a rocket ship hit me.  Unfortunately it is just a cold, and not a stomach flu that would make me lose some weight.

;)

Think again when you have a crap-food-craving

Do you eat fast food once and a while? A burger and fries from McDonalds perhaps? Well, you might change your mind after you see this:

Does that look a picture of a Happy Meal from 2009 and then a picture of another Happy Meal in 2010? It is. But it is the SAME happy meal. That is right. A blogger on a website called ‘Baby bites’ bought a Happy Meal and put it on her shelf and let it age for one year. So this 2010 photo is the Happy Meals first birthday.

Nasty!

The bun is crustier, the fries look wilted, and the patty is darker, but that is it. The blogger even said that it didn’t smell at all (well, other than the smell of fries the first few days). There is no mold no bugs eating it. Why? Well, even bugs and mold know that there is no nutrient value to the crap. And bugs and mold eat pieces of poop for Christ’s sakes! They like poop more than Happy Meals. Happy Poop.

Tidbits

Ew. One of the radio stations in my city is having a contest and the prize is all you can eat chicken wings for a year.

Roll up the rim to win makes me want to buy more coffee, I find myself buying multiple Tim Horton’s coffee when it is roll up time, but NONE when it isn’t. Um, does this mean I have a gambling problem?

I do however keep winning....donuts. FML.

Oh yeah. So I did my measurements last night.

Then I tried to jump in front of a Mac Truck.

I lost inches of my boobs and butt but none off of the tummy. Damn it! No you are not allowed to know my measurements or how much I weigh. When I am at my skinny weight, then and only then are you allowed to know.

When does running turn into jogging?

Alright, today’s run went much better, 5k again. But, can I count it as 5k if I stopped once to down some water and once to put my jacket back on?


So, today on my running journey, I decided to go running in a different area where I usually don’t go as it is really hilly and I am a big baby. I took a wrong turn on the running paths and came to a dead end (why would a path just end abruptly? Weird!) so I had to turn around, and when I did I saw a man running towards me, and I knew that we were going to hit the fork in the path at the same time and therefore be running side by side. Great.

Of course he decides to start talking to me. Talking effortlessly, while I am dying for air, and clearly he is slowing down to keep up with my turtle ass, obviously he is a seasoned runner as he is wearing running gloves (who wears those?).

“So do you live around here?” says pro runner boy

Are you kidding me?

“uh (pant pant) yes, I live over there” and motion to an area to my right, then look up and realize I live nowhere near where I just motioned. Whatever.

“I live over in blah blah blah, I don’t run here every day blah blah blah, do you run here every day? Blah blah blaaabity blah new home construction blah blah blah”

Shut up please shut up please don’t make me talk anymore

I intentionally slow down a little more, AND. HE. SLOWS. DOWN. Gawd! Thankfully there is a turn coming up, I try to judge which way glove runner is going to go and I opt to sneak right at the last minute, yesssss I am free to pant and puff on my own.

Are you kidding me? This is another dead end. I am never running over here again.

Day 123 Crappy workout day

Did you ever have a day where you literally just couldn’t work out? Your body hates you and doesn’t want to move, your brain wants to shut down, and your lungs no longer know how to inhale properly? This happened to me yesterday; I tried to go for a run but I struggled the whole time and I had to STOP after only two kilometres. WTF? How does this happen one day and another day you can run 5k with no problems? Why is it that some days its easy to do an ass kicking bootcamp class, but others it’s a struggle to do a push up? Does my body hate me?
Yes, my body does hate me. Why? Because it holds onto too much fat, when it does decide to let some fat globules go, it lets them leave my boobs first and my ass last. It also loves to lie around and be warm and eat and eat and eat. Stupid body.

So remember my little computer virus? Remember how you are supposed to ‘back up’ all your work? Even after that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie lost all her work? Oh, and even after my last laptop crashed and I actually did lose a tonne of work. You would think I would learn to back that shit up (my work, not my ass).

But alas, I am still an idiot and lost yet more work, and within that lost work? My gawd awful video where I did the whole measurement thing. Now I have to do it again. KILL ME!!! So cruel! I have to yet again measure my bust, waist, love-handles, hips.....excuse me, I need to go throw up. How un-fun and uncomfortable it is to do such nonsense. So my body and I have a very painful date tomorrow, one that I am not looking forward too.

Stupid Body!

Which will soon be a smoking hot body, right?

Skinny minny here I come....maybe?

I purged my fat clothes (well, my clothes that are one size to big) so now I can’t gain any weight back or I will have to walk around naked (and we all know how I feel about nakedness, I was so one of those kids who swam with a T-shirt over her bathing suit).

I threw out (donated) one whole garbage bag. Go me! Can I write that off as a charitable donation?

I now fit into some pants that I had saved in the closet for when I am skinny again, and some of them fit which made me scream out loud, and my BF yelled “what’s wrong” and I yelled back “my skinny jeans fit” and he said “What? Jewellery in your shit?” and I laughed so hard I popped the button off my jeans....so I have to lose a few more pounds clearly! I no longer like the style of said jeans, which really shows how long it has been since I fit into them. Sigh.


So now I have to buy new pants, but I hate shopping for clothes, it depresses me, and I hate those changing rooms where they don’t have mirrors in the change room, and you have to come out to see the mirrors and then the sales ladies are all up in your grill about how fabulous you look, but really you look like gelatines mess. What a nightmare.

Cheap organic please!

So most people out there (as in the general public that most of us hate) are not as smart and educated like us Fit Bitches. They still eat their breakfast--if they eat breakfast at all (no a cup of coffee doesn’t count) as if they are a fourth grader from the 80s, you know what I am talking about: pop tarts, corn pops, white toast smeared with cheese whiz. The sad thing is that these people are clearly the majority, and majority rules. This is why there is so much crap on our grocer’s shelves, and there is one measly aisle (about 5% of the whole store) that is SOMEWHAT catered towards our needs.

We need more people to choose healthier options; the more people that chose to buy proper whole natural good for you food, the more aisles it will take up in the grocery store. YAY! There is a whole aisle for JUST chips for crying out loud. Chips get their own aisle! My goodness!

Mmmmmm chips.  I mean, BAD! BAD CHIPS!

Think about 20 years ago, did you even know the word organic? I didn’t even know boneless skinless chicken breast even existed then. 10 years ago I thought that saltine crackers where good to eat, in fact I thought all crackers where good to eat, as they were crackers, and crackers are healthy, ya right, so are muffins and bagels!
Even 5 measly years ago, the selection of healthy food was no where nears as easy to come by as it is today. Just think how much easier it is going to get! If we all make better choices now, we can get there sooner.

You know how we look at our grandparents and say “OMG, you had roast beef and gravy with butter dosed mashed potatoes for supper 3 times a week?” Well, our grandkids will say “OMG, you used to eat food made with hydrogenated oil? Ha Ha Ha, did your elementary school have “hot dog Fridays” too?

Yes, for $1 we got a hot dog and a can of orange pop, then we went out and played baseball with no helmets and swung on swings that were made with finger jamming chains and if we fell we landed on crushed gravel.

Times change, let’s help our food change quicker.

Run Fit Bitch Run

I give up on dumdum girl. Today she asked what sodium is, clearly she is beyond help.

As you may remember, one of my New Year’s Resolutions (other to morph into a super fit sex pot) was to run a 10K. Well, I am currently up to 5K runs, and I want to die when I am on the K 4, so I have a lot of training to do.

I was running in my adorable suburb, and I was approaching this couple walking in the same direction, they both moved over to the side when they heard me coming. When I passed them, I said “thank you” (by said I mean panted) and they didn’t say thank you. Instead I heard them snicker and laugh at me :(

Why would someone do this? Was it my jiggle ass? My sunglasses used as a hair band? Was I running slower than they were walking? Did I fart while I was running by? It certainly wasn’t my super awesome running jacket. I really wanted to turn around and tell Mrs. Too tanned and too bleached blonde and too tight jean wearing beyotch to shove it, but her boyfriend looked like he was a gang member who would cut me, so I just ran faster away from them hoping that they both trip, fall, and chip their front teeth beyond repair.

I was now approaching another couple, two boys....about 10 years old. They were dilly-dallying in front of me, when they heard me coming they moved out of my way and one of them told me I was doing a “good job”! AWWWWW how sweet, I wanted to turn around and give him a big hug, but since it is frowned upon to attack little boys, I decided to just say (pant) thank you.

Now, I am home with sore legs as I didn’t stretch my hip flexors or quads properly. Sigh, when will I learn?

Did you know that there are naked runs held all over the world? You couldn’t PAY me enough to be naked in front of people, let alone be sweaty and have all my business jiggling around for all to see. Mmrrph, sorry I just threw up in my mouth!

I wish I had their brazenness:

Yay my pc is fixed!

I heard the funniest story in the lunch room the other day, it was all I could do to NOT yell out “OMG I AM PUTTING THAT IN MY BLOG AS SOON AS I GET HOME” but then I would blow my fit bitch cover and would no longer be able to secretly bitch about the goings on in my crap job.

So, a lady at my work said that her daughter (who works as a nurse) brought a bologna sandwich on white bread (I know right?) to work, and one of the other nurses said to her “you know, you can really tell a person’s class by the type of lunch they bring.”

Pfffft BAA HA HA. Now, I know that is a bitchy thing to say to someone, but come on! That is funny!

So of course we spent the rest of the lunch hour sizing up and joking about each other’s lunch and to my happy surprise, Smokey McGee said to me “hey, can I ask you healthy questions?” I almost peed my pants in anticipation waiting for her to ask me about whole grains, or sufficient protein, or how many calories are in her deep fried chicken wings, eeeek what what?? ASK ME!!!

“Is bologna healthy?”

Yes, that is why we are all here making fun of it and the reason you see so many people eating it, fat, nitrates, and sodium in mass quantities are good for you.

Luckily I didn’t have to provide an hour long answer as the lady next to me (one of the two other people in my office that don’t eat like a ravenous lion with Prader-Willi syndrome) provided a simpler answer: “No, it isn’t”

She must have noticed the blank stare on my face and the whirlwind of possible smart ass answers going through my brain.

So, back to the ‘class’ statement, this does hold some truth, of course most people would never point this out, especially when said low-class-lunch-holder is in the room. I remember my own mom feeding us bologna sandwiches back in the day. I could probably look around the lunch room table at my elementary school and see the same bologna and cheese slice sandwich in at least 4 other grubby hands. But nowadays, one should know better. Even if bologna was my absolute favourite food, I would never eat it in public!

I wonder if she will ever bring a bologna sandwich to work again?  I am pretty sure no one at my office will (thank goodness).

Happy Day

Today for our morning meeting at work, they supplied donuts. Donuts. That I don't eat, and clearly poor gluten intolerance boy cannot eat. We asked for a fruit tray instead, and they said no, because a fruit tray is too messy. How rude! We can't be healthy because some fruit juice may land on the boardroom table. Sticky frosting however, is OK. What a bunch of assholes.

This annoys me more than the woman who colour coordinates her socks with her tops, yes, even if they are bright orange, and yes, even if she is wearing sling back heels.

Unfortunately my computer (hello my name is fit bitch and I am a P.C.) is still sick with a virus. Regular post will be back on Monday!

god damnit

Sigh, I am an idiot and downloaded a virus (not on purpose) to my pc.  Stupid Stupid Stupid.  I am using a friends pc now, sooooo I will have to blog tomorrow, providing my pc is fixed.

Stupid technology!

Upgrade to this website in the works!

I will soon have a “product review page” and this will have my personal reviews of different things I have tried, books read, and just my candid thoughts on them. I am posting one of the reviews today as I was asked what I think of the book “French Women don’t get fat”.

This book is a French woman bragging about how France is better than America and why French women are better. She loves France so much, but lives in America, works in America, and I believe married an American? Basically the book just cites the differences between the French and Americans and although it is interesting to compare the two cultures, it isn’t a diet book.

Her main point is that the culture of eating food and dieting is just different from the way North America Works. In France (and not just France, many other countries are the same) it isn’t uncommon for one to spend more money and buy better quality fresh food (think of all the markets in the streets). It isn’t normal for them (and other European countries) to sit at McDonalds a few times a week, go through drive-throughs, eat mass produced transfaty products that have a shelf life of 15 years. They eat more for pleasure and to actually enjoy and savour their food and the company they are with. Not rush through a burger and fries and a supersize coke because they can get all that food for $6.

This isn’t to say there are no fat people in France, just a smaller percentage then you would find in America. France has an obesity rate of about 10%. America has about 30% so when you are comparing France to America....huge difference. But France share the same obesity rate as quiet a few other countries. Japan’s obesity rate? 3%. Canada: 14%.

These stats are from 2005 http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/hea_obe-health-obesity
These opinions are my own.

Good internet

I was curious to see what most people thought of sugar hiding in all their products and what people actually know about sugar. So, I conducted an extensive internet investigation (um, I used Google) to see what I could find, these results make me feel really smart:

1. People think brown sugar is healthier than white sugar
2. People don’t know that sugar comes in a billion other forms
3. People are surprised that sugar is in packaged vegetables
4. People are clueless that sugar is in salad dressing, sauces, etc...
5. The internet told me that 76% of the sugar people consume is ‘hidden’ sugar

My goodness the internet is smart! But the internet also showed me the “Cookie Diet” and that is just balls out stupid.

Now, us fit bitches know that sugar is in everything. Right? Yes you know this as I complain about it 18 times a day. HOWEVER, IF we need to sweeten something, what can we use? Natural sweetners are better than fake ones right? If I went and sucked on a fresh cut sugar cane (which I actually got to do once in the Dominican-so yummy) that can’t be as bad for me as eating white granulated over processed table sugar...can it?

Pure maple syrup, honey, stevia, agave nectar, sucanat, pure sugar cane juice...are these better for me? I mean, they aren’t processed, and I am all about eating whole natural food right? Natural complex sugars, the kind found in fruits take longer for your body to break down and digest, just like whole complex grains, and are considered better for you then simple sugars (just like complex carbs are better than the simple carbs).

I would have to argue that Stevia isn’t processed though, I mean...it starts out as a green leaf and then it is a white powder, clearly some processing happens to turn it that way or did it naturally change like Michael Jackson? Soy milk comes from a little green bean, so processing is fine...but over processing isn’t? God, no wonder people are confused and think that brown sugar is healthy and it’s OK to pour it on their oatmeal.

However, all these natural sugars are still sugar. Sugar that morphs into carbs which morphs into fat if you don’t burn it off with some exercise. Sugar that contains calories, albeit natural calories, people will still choose the fake chemical sweeteners over natural, why? They have no calories. None. Nowadays people are used to consuming chemicals. They think if it is sold in stores and not regulated (like cigarettes or alcohols) then it is fine and dandy to eat. How can aspartame be bad? It is in everything?

Did you know heroin was once available over the counter? Heroin is made from a little poppy flower, which is natural, so heroin is good?

So really I am back to square one, and I didn’t learn anything different.

Eat healthy natural food, watch your portions and don’t OD on calories, make sure to work out, OK internet, I got it!

Four new motivators:

Remind yourself that you are not an idiot
You know what is good and what is bad when it comes to food. Are you so stupid that you forgot cheezies and ice cream don’t make a balanced breakfast? No of course not.

If you don’t make time to be healthy, you will have to make time to be sick
What works better for your? An hour at the gym every night at 7pm? Or being dead?

Picture yourself in a bikini looking smoking hot with your confidence and your rocking body
Now picture yourself in a bikini now with your current body, surround by hotties...not so fun!

Picture yourself Fatter than you are
What if you gain 5 pounds in one year? Doesn’t seem like much right? Wrong! So in four years you would weigh 20 pounds more. It is easier to lose the weight you have, rather than get extra fat and then try to lose it all. Yuck. So picture yourself EXTRA fat, that will make you put down that fork.

Ever have a day where you think your ass is fat?

Gym membership over...

Today was the last day of my gym membership. Although I will miss my awesome circuit class instructor from drill sergeant hell, I won’t miss the other massive annoyances I have found there. Today, I thought about renewing my membership, but while I was taking turns between the hip adductor and the hip abductor this man wearing a pair of rapist glasses thought it would be sociably acceptable to watch me open and close my legs on said machine. CREEPY! Also, it seems that I missed the memo, but did you know that it was bedazzler day? Yes, there were multiple jewelled paraphernalia and ‘gold’ rimmed clothing. Apparently I am working out in Kanye’s personal gym.

Grown men and woman wearing beaded jeans, hats, anything is completely moronic. This is akin to adults who wear items with Mickey Mouse or Tweety Bird on them (TACKY!).

So, now I have just my membership at my climbing gym, a sport where my long monkey arms actually benefit me rather than hinder. I am still thinking about doing the P90X workout....but it turns my whole body to a sore pile of no bones. However, I would rather be sore and hot than fat and comfortable so I guess I just have to get off my ass and do it.

Day 102

Have you seen the new McDonalds commercial where the four assumable hot girls get dressed up, go to an art show, and then go to McDonalds to eat nuggets and fries? Right. When was the last time you and your girlfriends got dressed up and went to McDonalds on a Saturday night? Or got dressed up and went to McDonalds period? People who go to art shows don’t eat at McDonalds. And girls dressed up for a night out don’t eat at McDonalds. The only times four girls go to McDonalds are:

1. They are in junior high

2. They are fatterson slobbymcgees

3. They are poor white trash

4. They are super duper hung over

These commercials irk me. McDonalds is the official (ahem) “restaurant” of the Olympic games? Or the sponsor? Or something ridiculous like that? Oh, eat like an Olympic athlete OK, I will go to McDonalds and gorge myself on 3000 calorie meals. Stupid.