Monday, February 8, 2010

Ways to lose weight (for hilarity purposes)

Get a puppy
You will be so preoccupied with making sure the puppy doesn’t piss and shit everywhere that you won’t have time to eat. Not to mention all the walks and other energy releasing activity dogs requires.

Enter into any type of ‘thon’ (Triathlon, Bikeathon, Marathon, etc...)
You will HAVE to train train train. Enter with a friend and push each other! Run longer than them, swim harder than them, bike uphill the whole way while they are pushing their bike!

Give up dairy for a bit
There is a lot of fat hiding in dairy and you would be surprised how many calories you save by not having cheese on everything.

Stop drinking!
Being drunk is a lot of fun, I know this...and a couple glasses of wine while relaxing is the best thing since control top panty hose, BUT it is too many calories you are adding into a week, not to mention all the extra work you need to do to burn off those extra alcohol calories. When you are drunk you eat way more, and when you are hung-over you eat crap food. So just stop for a bit please. Don’t be a cranky baby, you can do it.

Take a class
People working out in a class with others vs. working out alone typically do more and push themselves harder, not to mention most class instructors will make you do more than you do alone anyway. So go on and show up that girl next to you, your thighs are WAY stronger than hers!

Have a competition with your spouse or a friend
Who can lose the most weight?
Who can run further, fastest?
Who can lift more?
Who has the firmest ass?
Who’s upper arms flab flops around the least?
Or if you are in a relationship where your partner doesn’t need to lose weight, but maybe is trying to bulk up or gain weight have a contest where you lose weight, and he gains weight. Have the prize be something awesome, like a trip away, or a new outfit, a car... whatever budget fun you can manage.

Buy your thinness
Give your spouse friend $500 (whatever you can afford) and tell them not to give it back to you until you have reached _____ pounds (or some other goal) I think I may do this one, who wants to hold $500 of my dollars without spending it?

Don’t buy any new clothes until you lose weight
Then you will so tired of looking like a bum that you will have no choice but to lose some fat and to fit into a hot new flattering outfit that would make Stacey and Clinton so proud!

So let’s recap here:

You will be a fat dairy eating uncompetitive frumpy drunk


You will be a thin well dressed sober healthy competition-going smokin’ hot package of greatness

Hmmmm, which one will you choose?

No comments:

Post a Comment