It’s a beautiful day out, it’s warm, the sun is shining, there isn’t a cloud in the sky, and it seems everyone is out enjoying this gorgeous weekend. After glopping on my body glide to prevent my man toes from developing a blister. I pop in to my sweet addidas clima cool with the cute little vents on the side that let a nice cool breeze of air in with every swoosh of my leg thus keeping my feet dry and stink-free, and head out the door.
House key? Check
Cute running outfit? Check
Off I go (damn, is this my house key or my office key?). Down through my subdivision, ahh suburbia, so safe and quiet with your running trails, so full of hot sweaty landscapers in workboots and jeans with no shirt, I should go see if they are free to *ahem* mow my lawn.
Now, I don’t know if it is the fact that my running outfit is tight, or my cross over extra supportive deep V tanktop totally rocks the cleavage even while running (yes, so worth $80), the fact that I am constantly bouncing up and down, or that I am all glisten-y with sweat, but I get checked out WAY more when I run then when I doll myself up, squeeze my whale feet into 3 inch heels, apply extra shimmer lip gloss, and don a sexy dress that hides all the right places.
Even though my face is bright red, my upper arm flab is vibrating every time my foot hits the ground and I am still sucking in my gut as I run, I feel good. I feel powerful. I feel sexy.
One of the landscapers actually whistles at me, I give him a “ah, I am a woman and do not appreciate you whistling at me like I am some piece of meat bopping around for your enjoyment, plus I am out of your league, fist pump, woman power!” But really on the inside I am uber flattered and that made my day because he was hawt!
My dreaded hill is coming up, I want to stop for a breather half way up as I now sound like I am having an asthma attack, but I know I can keep going (I have to 10k in June 10k in June, 10k in June), this really skinny girl with a swinging blonde ponytail and not a drip of sweat on her is running towards me, (she started at the top of the hill, and she must not have been running for long, or she would look like a hot mess just as I do) as she passes I notice the Running App on her ipod touch, it says 4.6km.
ARHG! How did she run 4.6km so far and still look like she walked out the door.
I speed up my strides for good measure, why don’t I have an ipod touch? I would program the Running App to say 23.8km and hold it out in front of me while I run, then I would show blonde ponytail that I can also run forever looking like a Maxim cover girl.
( Why are these model girls always around me? Soon I will be one of those girls, and someone will hate me, yay!)
A Frisbee hits my leg and I pick it up to throw back to the ultimate Frisbee (I assume that is what they are playing????) guys, hoping that my awesome throw will make them ask me to come play with them, but no, I throw it like a handless monkey and it goes riiiiight into a tree. How. Mortifying.
Thank goodness a tall guy was able to reach it and I didn’t ruin their game, I apologized and ran away (amazing how fast I am running uphill now).
Finally home, do some stretches in the yard, reach into my pocket and...