Friday, January 14, 2011

Sooo Cooold

Huddled up by the fire, laptop open, TV on (TLC is having a “My Strange Addiction” –athon), it is time to go work out...but just a few more minutes in the warmth (this show is so weird, it is profiling all these woman who have bizarre addictions, truly bizarre addictions, this one chick is addicted to eating soap. SOAP! Like laundry detergent, hand soap, bars of soap....I wonder how many calories are in soap?). I am making myself a little workout calendar (oh how many of these I have made in my life) to make sure I am not neglecting any body part (flabby bit) in my now quest to get toned (oh my god, this woman is addicted to body building and works out six hours a day! I wish I was addicted to working out period!). I make my chart as pretty as possible, I guess my brain thinks that if I have a nice attractive chart I will work out more? I will look at the chart and it will be so beautifull my muscels will start working out independently. (What the? This girl is addicted to pulling out her hair and eating the follicle! Is there calories in that? I wonder how many grams of fat are in hair follicles?)

Four months until the wedding (why oh why did I pick a beach wedding, am I a masochist?) . Time to push the “get toned project” into the highest gear. Losing weight is only half of the battle. ARGH! This sucks the hardest balls! I have signed up for all these tip newsletter things, and every day I get articles and nonsense and stupid tips that must be for fat people who don’t know what vegetables are. Titled lame titles like: “Eat your greens” (duh) “Lean protein is good” (double duh) “Skip the ice cream” (? Really? Oh my god, skip ice cream, skip fat and sugar? DER!!!) . I want to see a useful article, maybe one titled “Here is a magic potion, drink it and you will wake up with whatever famous person’s body you want” . Sigh...if only true. Time to get my ass up and go to the gym.

It is blistering cold out; it actually pains me to go outside. -31 today doesn’t exactly make me want to eat some cold salad and jump around until I get warm. Nor do I want to get all sweaty in a gym and then step outside into the ice world and have every bead of moister freeze to my body in little ice warts.

However, I can’t be a flabby whale bride on my wedding day so I have forced myself to go to the overly crowded gym. I sign up for machines, wait in line for weights, get to classes 45 minutes early so I can get a spot on the list. What a massive pain I think, no wonder half of these people will stop coming to the gym and throw their resolution away. How fun is it to wait around for 45 minutes for some skinny perfect step class teacher to come and beat the shit out of your legs. Not so fun (but oh so worth it).

I heard on the radio that regular gym goers actually make bets on how long the newbie gym members will stay. This is funny to me as it is sooo true. (But also mean as I have totally been that January to March gym goer. )

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