Q:
Anonymous said...

Hey! I read your blog all the time, and I think you are hilarious! I just have a quick question, when you do want something sweet (I know, I shouldn't) what would you recommend sweetening it with - with no sweeteners or sugar? Thanks!

A:
Glad you like the blog, and thanks for the comment. I guess honey would be my sweetener of choice. I also hear that agave nectar, stevia, and sucanat are good, however I don’t use them, not for any particular reason, I just like honey. I will try them in the future, as soon as I can bake something without turning it into a hockey puck. Remember, even though it is natural, it is still a sugar. These are my favourite “sweets”:


Oats with skim milk, cocoa powder, and honey nuked in the microwave (mmmm chocolaty)

Skim milk, cinnamon, left over brown rice, honey, oats, again nuked in the microwave, but then left to cool makes a nice rice pudding

Natural organic black liquorice (Panda brand)

Any type of fruit Smoothies

Molasses, mint leaves, banana, vanilla protein powder and skim milk smoothie (sounds weird, but actually taste good)

Organic dark chocolate (my ultimate treat!)

Apple crisp for one:
Oil up a small ramekin toss in one chopped apple and mix with cinnamon (1/4 tsp), in a bowl mix oats (1/4 cup), honey (1tbls), olive oil (1 tsp), and whole wheat flour (1 tbls), and put it on top of the chopped apple, bake and enjoy.

Last night, I had a craving for muffins, so I went to the store and decided on an organic oatmeal mix (I choose organic ‘treats’ as it makes me feel better about my snacking), I brought home the mix, Pre-heated the oven, added the extra ingredients to the mix(egg, water, canola oil) and fit bitched it up by also adding: fibre (Benefibre), rolled oats, flax seeds, and some protein powder. Went to the cupboard to grab the muffin tin. Couldn’t find it. Then remembered I threw it in the garbage a few months ago because I tried to make mini quiches and burnt them all to the bottom of the muffin tin and it was beyond repair.

Sadly this isn’t the first pan, dish, or appliance I have thrown out (yes I said appliance, I thought I could ‘steam’ milk in my kettle and make my own latte. No. This doesn’t work).

So I had a bowl of muffin batter, and no muffin tins. Solution? I poured them into two cake pans and hoped for the best. 15 minutes later, surprisingly delish! However I now looks like I am eating cake for recess instead of a muffin.

Fake food is a no go for fitties!

So what have we learned so far about fakeness? Well, unless it is a padded bra, some well applied makeup, or The Rabbit, we don’t need it. Fake = chemicals. There are enough chemicals in our environment already, think about all the smog we breathe, and the ingredients we rub onto our skin, what about all the plastic that surrounds our food leeching BPA into our meals. We don’t need to be ingesting them. Period. However, I am a realist, and I can’t walk around with a gas mask on, wear nothing but organic cotton, or make sure my food only touches glass. I can choose to get out of the city on the weekends and breathe some fresh country air, buy organic when I can, and I can 100% choose not to put fake food in my mouth, right? Yes, and so can you.
Do not eat anything that isn’t a whole natural food. Do not eat anything that is processed. Do not eat anything that you can’t pronounce. Seems simple right? Well, it really is. IF you have educated yourself on how AWFUL these foods REALLY are for you, then you won’t want to eat them. And if you are still worried about how you are going to stop eating those staples you are so used to....don’t worry, you will get there. I promise you will. I used to drink diet Coke like it was a thinning serum, I used to only buy low fat, fat free, ‘diet’ foods, baked crackers, eat things that were super low in fat and calories but contained nothing but fake food, lean microwave meals, pre packaged veggies, blah. Two year ago, if someone told me that one day I would turn down a plate of crackers and cheese with a diet Coke to drink, I would have told them they were crazy, I am madly in love with cheese and want to marry cheese and have cheese babies, remember?

Stop. Eating. Fakeness.

What you don’t know about these fake foods CAN kill you. Your body is meant to digest food, not chemicals and processed crap. In fact, your body doesn’t know how to digest fake crap. This fake food is causing you nothing but problems.

If you haven’t already, rid your house, body, future eating of the following:
Aspartame and fake sweeteners
Refined carbohydrates (white flour, sugar)
Packaged food full of salt (canned soup, pastas)
Unhealthy juice, crackers, cereal, granola bars, microwave popcorn, sugar free whatevers.
Diet foods (Low cal drink mixes, low fat granola bars, low whatever ice cream/desserts/cookies/frozen dinners/any of those ‘quick’ meals)
Sauces & dressings
Eat the following:
Veggies
Fruit
Whole Grains
Lean meats
Seafood
Low Fat Dairy
Nuts, seeds, legumes
Loads of water

After you do this, you will wake up and be a skinny minny who is also healthy and hot. Clearly you have to work out as well, but you know this...right?

It may seem hard at first, and if you are having a hard time now, make one change at a time. Stop buying microwave meals this week, substitute your packaged snacks for a piece of fruit and some almonds next week, give up pop the next, and so on. If you are not there yet, don’t worry, you will get there, it will take time, and if you make small changes one at a time, it is easier than waking up one day and throwing your whole kitchen in the garbage and then going out and spending $1,000 on all new stuff.

Ommmmmmmmmmmm.



Pic 1





Pic 2

I tried an intermediate yoga class. Let’s just say that I am still a massive beginner yoga learner. I have trouble doing something as simple as holding my hands over my head in a squatting position (pic 1), and the girl next to me has no problem balancing on her hands with her legs stuck out to the side (pic 2)breathing like normal as if she could watch a movie and start eating some popcorn and help her kids with their homework. It was the longest yoga class of my life. I couldn’t wait to go home and sleep. I felt like a fat failure leaving the class like a newly broken horse while the skinny mini yoga pros left looking like models for lululemon, getting on their bikes and into their Priuses while I get into my SUV (what? I cannot lug my bike and mountain biking gear in a Prius!!!)

Happily, the next day I went back to my ‘all levels’ hot yoga class. (Am I weird because I like to be dripping sweat and bent in weird positions?)

Have you tried it yet? Or regular yoga for that matter? You should! It really is great. Yoga used to annoy the piss out of me. But the more I tried it the more I liked it, kind of like when you first beer, you know everyone drinks it so it must be cool, you don’t like it at first, but you want to fit in so you drink it up, then you try a few more, and all of a sudden you love beer? I mean yoga!



Try a few different yoga classes and teachers. Personally I have had no luck at those yoga classes that are offered at the gym, I have had lots of luck at the yoga studios, I find they are the best and have great instructors. The yoga studios usually have introductory rates, and or specials discounts for new students. Usually you can get your first week unlimited, which allows you to try out many teachers, classes, types, and styles.

Reasons to do yoga:



Lean, strong, toned muscles

That means a sexier physique (who doesn’t want that?) and more flexibility which will help with reducing injuries (and other things).

People who do yoga are reported to have a better sex life

(Maybe because they can bend in kinky positions?)

Apparently 75% of women reported a more satisfying sex life just by taking up yoga on a regular basis.



Yoga calms you

If you don’t have the need to relax and enter a quiet, comfortable, zen space where you are away from the daily idiots, then I want you to email me immediately and tell me what you do for a living, and hopefully hire me please.

People who do yoga are cool

What? They are.

People who practice yoga have healthier diets

Think about it, do you see yogis eating cheeseburgers and chilli fries? No, you see them eating cucumber sticks and orange wedges. Yoga will make you feel better about yourself, at least I find that my yoga instructor makes me feel that way (I guess this is why you should try a few different instructors, find one you like, don’t spend an hour or more in a dim room with an instructor you dislike).

Apparently, Naked Yoga Classes are starting in my city. Can you imagine? I don’t like to be in a swimsuit with other people around, let alone buck naked with people around me, bending over showing my lady bits! I think I will try it...in my locked bedroom.

Can you imagine doing the happy baby pose sans clothes?  Gross!






 







Noooooooo

Sigh. The stupid KFC Double Down (AKA a poor fast food version of the equally gross Chicken Cordon Bleu) made it to Canada. And for some unknown reason it is popular? Why? I don’t know. I really don’t know, and I don’t get it.

I was surprised to hear that 47% of Canadians asked said they would like to try the Double Down. Almost 50%, is that surprising to anyone? No?

The ‘argue’ on the street is “it is better than a burger and fries”. Why does everyone compare unhealthy products to that of a burger and fries? Is the burger and fries meal the standard measure of unhealthyness? As long as it has less fat and calories than a burger and fries meal it is justified to eat?

Apparently the Calgary Eaton Centre’s KFC sold out of Double Downs and the line-up was massive.

Tsk Tsk Canada!
Chicken Cheese bacon Chicken

HCG Diet. PLEASE!

Have you heard of this stupid diet? You have to take a hormone/enzyme thing (orally or inject) HCG is what the placenta produces when a woman is preggers. HOWEVER, why these people lose weight on this diet is because you can only eat 500 calories a DAY! If anyone eats 500 calories a day they will wither away. So stupid.

"OMG I found this new diet, you don’t eat, and you lose weight! Can you believe that?"

What a moron.

Just because something has lettuce, does not mean it is healthy!

What do I mean? The amount of unhealthy salads out there that are tricking people is way too many.

Lettuce itself is not overly healthy, yes romaine contains a lot of Vitamin A, but drowning it in Cesar salad dressing, croutons, bacon bits, and parmesan pretty much defeats the purpose of eating it for it’s vitamin qualities.

A gal at work asked me to go to Dairy Queen for lunch with her and another woman (they are both new employees and clearly don't know me, also they are both fat, because they eat at places like Dairy Queen) I politely declined (well, I let out a little scoff I am sure) she said that I could get the Crispy Chicken Salad as it is really good and healthy.
I need to sit these people down in a class room and explain the absolute basics of nutrition to them.
Me: "Deep fried chicken, bacon, and ranch dressing does not a healthy salad make. Just because there is lettuce and 6 shreds of carrot in your bowl doesn't make it healthy."

Her: "It's better than getting a burger and fries"

Me: "You know what is even better? Eating something not from Dairy Queen"

My Brain: don’t scream, don’t scream, don’t scream at her

If you took a KFC double down and put it in a bowl of lettuce and poured ranch dressing over it, would you call that healthy? No, no you wouldn't. You would call that the first step in being a couch bum playing computer games in your grandparents basement.

IF you must eat a salad from a fast food place, keep in mind the ingredients that are going on it. And definitely be mindful of the dressing! This is also true for restaurant salads. Restaurants (whether fast food or not) do not care about your waistline, they care about making money. So, if your salad tastes good, they will make money. Period.

No cream dressings, bacon, cheese, croutons, or deep fried anything. Order the dressing on the side, look for healthy fats in your salad to keep you full (almonds, chicken, avocado, tuna, an egg, etc...), and order a vinaigrette dressing on the side. Things like fruit and juicy veggies in your salad will keep the salad moist so you won’t require as much dressing.

KEEP FIT!

How about a fat-turtle-burger to clog your arteries?

Hamburgers aren’t fatty enough, let’s put 2 hotdogs in there, wait...not fatty enough, add some full fat cheese! Hmmmm, still not fatty enough, also it could use a gross dose of sodium and nitrates, oooh, lets wrap it in bacon. OK, now make it look like a cute turtle so the kids will eat it.

Lean ground beef, turkey, or bison, is OK, add some low fat cheese to make a cheese burger, obviously you know by now to skip the bacon and not to eat hotdogs, right? Well, if you still love hotdogs topped with sugary ketchup, keep reading, you will stop loving your childhood fave.

This is ‘Mechanically Separated Meat” found in most hotdogs, chicken nuggets, lunch meats (think bologna), etc...

The bones are put into a machine that scrapes all the bits of meat off. Then this slurry of gross meat bits has some artificial flavouring added, and then it is dyed to match whatever colour it needs to be.

Yum!

Thanks to Courteney for sending the 'Turtle Burger' picture in.

Healthy Thanksgiving Dinner? Does it exist? YES!

What are the worst culprits on thanksgiving dinner? Desserts, gravy, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, some weird dish that has marshmallow fluff in it? (I have never had it, but apparently it is popular?)

So when I look at a ‘typical’ thanksgiving dinner I see: Saturated Fat, loads of sugar, more fat, sodium, trans fats, more sugar, and gross bird wings (ew).

Roasting turkey is great, turkey itself is low fat and nutritious, it is all the additives (stuffing, gravy, cranberry sauce) that make it “bad”.

Save your waistline this year with these tips:

Roast your Turkey, and don’t eat the skin, have white meat

Have roasted potatoes (toss them in a little oil, add spice of your choice, spread them out on a pan, and add fresh rosemary and pepper, bake)

No cranberry sauce (unless you know how to make your own with a healthier sweetener like honey and fresh fruit juice, I do not, so let me know if you do)

Have steamed veggies not green bean casserole

No gravy, unless you want to make one that doesn’t “look” like gravy. Sauté 1 chopped onion and a little bit of celery (1/2 stalk) with pepper, sea salt, and your regular thanksgiving gravy spices, then mix it in a blender with some chicken stock (low sodium & fat, from a box) use as much stock as you need to get the “gravy” the consistency you want it, add it back to the pan to cook and sprinkle a little whole wheat flour in it, let it simmer and it will get thicker, and... voila! You have some “gravy” that slightly resembles baby puke.  But taste good!

No smushy white buns with butter, have whole grain rolls with mushed roasted garlic cloves

Dessert, god...where to start? Baked apples with cinnamon, nutmeg, honey, & raisins is a good start!

Alcohol. None, woah woah woah, just kidding, most of us need alcohol to get through the holidays. Isn’t it easier to tolerate drunk uncle Bob’s stories about when he was in high school driving his trans-am and was totally cool?

Or you could just go out for sushi and not have to cook or clean! 

Most people are going to cheat sometime over Thanksgiving, use your ‘cheat’ wisely and make sure to keep working out!