Sunday, May 1, 2011

(Boooo)t camp

Well, since my wish for a week long stomach flu to come and make me not eat and therefore become skinny really quickly...I signed up for boot camp. I am a nut ball, boot camp kills me.

I go to this gym....well...not really a ‘gym’ per say....more like a hard core training facility with sand pits, big tires, ropes, a lot of weights, and crazed instructors walking around. As excited as I am to run through the sand and scale walls, I can’t help but be nervous (what if I can’t do it, what if I look silly, what if I pass out, what if my shorts get hooked on the wall and when I jump over they rip and show my butt to everyone)? NO! Suck it up princess, you don’t get skinny by dreaming it so, climb that rope bitch!

Oh, uh, in boot camp mode there for a second. So back to class....

Warm up (felt more like a workout to me) was on the spin bikes (uh, spin! One of the workouts I hate more than anything) and it was tough. The instructor would come around and turn up the tension and make us bike with one leg (whimper) I was gasping and dying and ready to try and sneak lower my tension back down to the baby level, but I was caught and reprimanded with an even higher tension (wahhhh) and then, no word of a lie, the Rocky theme song starts playing (swear to god!). So I muster up the strength to try and finish, and whisper-yell “Adriannnnn” to the two girls next to me as a joke, but they must be too young and just stare at me blankly like I called them Adrian even though their names are probably Bambi and Barbie judging by the size of their hope earrings and their cleavage (they do know this is an all girls boot camp right?).

Finally we finish the so called ‘warm up’ and it is on to more intense stuff like:
Jumping rope with an extra heavy mutant jump rope
Running on a treadmill that isn’t turned on (ya, try that at the gym and see if anyone stares at you like a   dumdum)
Doing too many weights, push ups, sit ups, burpees, squat jumps, double and triple squat jumps, something else that made my ass hurt but I just can’t explain in is like a crab, but forward??? Does that make sense? I call it the ass hurter.

Wow, 45 minutes of hell and man do I feel awesome. I walk like a shaking leaf to the change room, accidentally walk into the men’s change room (thankfully empty so I didn’t see any peens or hairy man-butts) I chug a bottle of water, munch some protein and veggies (hard boiled eggs and veggie stick which sat in my car all day...nice) drive home, and sleep like a milk-drunk baby.
Next day at work, while practicing my sexy walk to the printer, I feel nothing but butt and thigh pain. It is hard to walk, sit, squat, basically move.

It is my new favourite thing.

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