Further to yesterday’s post, here are my own...ahem...”tricks”...that I have done. Yep, admitting them to you. Why? Because I know I am not the only person out there who has taken a bite of Aunt Maples double sugar butter tart with whipped cream and then spit it out into my napkin pretending to eat it and say it was delicious.
With these revelations, I am totally going to get razzed from my friends, so take it easy on me guys!
Ways to REALLY cut calories:
1. Don’t eat it (obviously)
Do you know that on three separate occasions I have pretended to “drop” my ice-cream cone so I wouldn’t have to eat it? It’s true, May seem weird to those who haven’t battled their weight since they were a teen, but it is fat and calories that are now on the ground and not on my ass. What? Did you want me to eat the whole ice cream cone that I didn’t want in the first place but everyone else got one, or someone else bought it for me? Again...you don’t owe anyone anything, you owe yourself everything.
2. Pretended to be allergic to something
Yep. Servers will be more careful telling you what is actually in a dish if you tell them you have a few allergies. Most times they will even go so far as to bring you the ingredient list. They wouldn’t want a liability suit on their hands now would they? Remember that episode of SATC where Carrie said she was allergic to parsley but really she just hates it? That is me, except I have a bunch of allergies.
What also works: Gluten or lactose intolerance
3. Said “no thanks, I might be pregnant”
True. I said this once to someone who would not take “no thanks, I am not drinking” as a proper answer. What? Saying you might be pregnant is a valid thing to say. If your period is late you technically might be pregnant. Stop judging me! It’s not like I said “I am pregnant “ and then had some explaining to do when I saw him 9 months later. He was drunk and probably doesn’t even remember
4. I am too full
When it is dessert time I always say I am full, even if I am not. Because dessert is the devil.
5. Said I am having massive diarrhea
This makes whoever is trying to make me eat food uncomfortable and they leave me alone. As no one (except me and maybe one other person I know) want to talk about poo.
6. Drank a litre of water
I then no longer feel like eating, only puking.
7. Painting your nails so you literally can put food in your mouth
(OK, this one is actually my friends, but I am stealing it from her as it is funny shit)
8. Lying and saying I have other things to do rather than go to a work function.
(I am sorry, I see my work people 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, do I want to hang out with them outside of work? No. Not at all. Not even a little bit, especially when they want to do things like eat and drink beer at a pub or go get hot dogs from a street vendor (mrph...excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth).
9. Grab my fat rolls and go have a coffee with vanilla soy milk which makes me semi satisfied for a while, whilst reminding myself as to why I am not supposed to eat so much.
10. Punch yourself in the belly
JUST KIDDING! I couldn’t think of a number 10!
If you would like some help on not eating so much meat, or really paying attention to the type and quality of food you are putting in your mouth, watch: Fast Food Nation (movie), Food Inc. (documentary), or any number of PETA videos (Meet your Meat is a good one). Watching these movies will definitely help you stop putting so much food in your mouth.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Common F'ing Sense (part 1)
Well, I have decided I am pretty tired of all the weight loss articles out there. I recently clicked on what I thought would be an interesting article entitled 50 ways to cut 100 calories. (Any article entitled “easy ways to cut calories” “simple tricks to feel full” “ways to eat less when you go out” I will always read, hoping to find a new ‘trick’ that I haven’t heard of.)
This particular “trick” I am sure you have read before:
When ordering at a restaurant, ask the waitress/waiter/server to box up half of your meal, so only half comes on your plate, and then you get to take the other half home to eat.
What? Who does this?
“Dear Waitress,
Could you please take a fork and knife and cut my food in half, then place half into a take-out container for me? I am way too incompetent to do this on my own. Also if I see all the food on my plate, I will have no idea what half is, and I will eat it all as I am a ravenous beast who cannot logically decipher what I should and should not scarf into my mouth. I have no self control, so please don’t bring the take out container to me until I am leaving the restaurant as I will rip it open and start devouring its contents faster than you can spit in my food.”
I bet servers everywhere are delighted when their patrons ask them such nonsense.
This particular article was enticing me greatly with a heading that will give me and extra 50 ways to cut calories, I couldn’t click on it fast enough. Before I was a third of the way finished, I realized, this article just isn’t for me, it must be geared toward really huge chow hounds that have absolutely no idea what a calorie is.
The tips were telling me such things as: when making homemade baked macaroni and cheese leave out two table spoons of butter, dip my wings in hot sauce instead of bluecheese dip, have an ice cream cone at McDonalds instead of Dairy Queen, do this with your dessert instead of that. Are their people on a healthy eating diet that are eating such food? What kind of diet advice is this? I am a healthy active woman, who, like most females my age, watch what they eat. We don’t go around eating baked macaroni and cheese with ham chunks, eat greasy deep fried restaurant wings, or order ice cream cones on a regular basis. Certainly if you do order this type of food often, 100 calories isn’t going to make a lick of difference. You don’t go to McDonalds and order a burger and small fries instead of a big mac and super size fries and call yourself healthy! You are still putting crap food into your body...just a little less of it.
"I am going to start doing crack, but only a little bit of it." Please!
I want some REAL ways to cut my calories, to cut my 2000 calorie a day diet to 1500. So I did my own searching, and you know what I found? The best way to cut even more calories from my diet?
Stop eating.
Bitchclaimer:
No no no, not stop eating completely. Just stop eating so many calories! Especially on those days when you don’t burn a bunch by working out. It is really common f'ing sense.
Part two of this article will be posted tomorrow!
This particular “trick” I am sure you have read before:
When ordering at a restaurant, ask the waitress/waiter/server to box up half of your meal, so only half comes on your plate, and then you get to take the other half home to eat.
What? Who does this?
“Dear Waitress,
Could you please take a fork and knife and cut my food in half, then place half into a take-out container for me? I am way too incompetent to do this on my own. Also if I see all the food on my plate, I will have no idea what half is, and I will eat it all as I am a ravenous beast who cannot logically decipher what I should and should not scarf into my mouth. I have no self control, so please don’t bring the take out container to me until I am leaving the restaurant as I will rip it open and start devouring its contents faster than you can spit in my food.”
I bet servers everywhere are delighted when their patrons ask them such nonsense.
This particular article was enticing me greatly with a heading that will give me and extra 50 ways to cut calories, I couldn’t click on it fast enough. Before I was a third of the way finished, I realized, this article just isn’t for me, it must be geared toward really huge chow hounds that have absolutely no idea what a calorie is.
The tips were telling me such things as: when making homemade baked macaroni and cheese leave out two table spoons of butter, dip my wings in hot sauce instead of bluecheese dip, have an ice cream cone at McDonalds instead of Dairy Queen, do this with your dessert instead of that. Are their people on a healthy eating diet that are eating such food? What kind of diet advice is this? I am a healthy active woman, who, like most females my age, watch what they eat. We don’t go around eating baked macaroni and cheese with ham chunks, eat greasy deep fried restaurant wings, or order ice cream cones on a regular basis. Certainly if you do order this type of food often, 100 calories isn’t going to make a lick of difference. You don’t go to McDonalds and order a burger and small fries instead of a big mac and super size fries and call yourself healthy! You are still putting crap food into your body...just a little less of it.
"I am going to start doing crack, but only a little bit of it." Please!
I want some REAL ways to cut my calories, to cut my 2000 calorie a day diet to 1500. So I did my own searching, and you know what I found? The best way to cut even more calories from my diet?
Stop eating.
Bitchclaimer:
No no no, not stop eating completely. Just stop eating so many calories! Especially on those days when you don’t burn a bunch by working out. It is really common f'ing sense.
Part two of this article will be posted tomorrow!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Fit Bitchin’ Rules
So, unless you have been living under a rock wearing earmuffs in Exuma, you know basic health knowledge such as eating healthy fresh fruit, veggies, whole grains, lean protein, and if you don't know that you have to have at least 8 glasses of water a day then I am sorry, but I cannot help you.
1. You will be hungry from time to time, deal with it.
You can’t expect to eat eat eat eat until your stuffed and full all the time, everyday if you want to lose weight.
2. Watch your portions.
Yes, you always hear “watch your portions” but watch your portions on EVERYTHING. Yes salmon is delicious and healthy for you, but it also contains fat (yes it is the good fat, the kind you should be eating) but just because your body needs healthy fat, doesn’t mean that you need to take in way more than you need. Your body requires a lot of things you can’t have too much of (sodium, calories, selenium).
3. Educate yourself about the food you eat.
The more you know about the damage caused by aspartame, the less likely you will put it in your body. Read up on sugar, refined carbs, artificial sweeteners, additives. If something grosses you out, then you probably won’t stick it in your mouth (insert obvious joke here). Read those ingredient labels!
4. Just get your ass moving
Seems simple enough. It is so easy to say that it is too late, or you have something else to do. But don’t put other things in front of your health and your goals. Be active as much as you can.
5. Two Fit Bitches are better than one
Friends help. I would be nowhere without mine. Share your daily food log with them, exchange recipes, and be there for support. No one will think you are weird if you email a detailed food list to your friend every day.
(OK, well some might think it is weird, but only the stupid people, and fit bitches don’t hang out with stupids.)
6. Drop the guilt
Who cares if it is someone’s birthday? You don’t want cake, don’t have any.
You do not owe anyone anything. You owe yourself everything.
7. Stop eating out with your porker friends
Alcoholics don’t go out with their buddies to a bar. Recovering meth addicts don’t go to face scratching contests with their doped up pals. Don’t go out with your friends to a bad food place. Find another activity to do with them, walk? Shop? Walk and shop?
8. Don’t eat with boys
Well, at least not the boys I know.
9. Find your motivation
A flat unflattering picture of yourself. A picture of yourself when you were smoking hot. A sexy pair of undies that you don’t fit into yet. The sexy pool cleaner who doesn’t speak any English. A wedding dress. All your skinny friends. A marathon. Class reunion date. Health report. A picture of another girl’s boyfriend. The day to ‘accidentally-run-into-your-exboyfriend-looking-ever-so-doable-and-fabulous’. I don’t care what it is, just find it and keep it to remind yourself.
10. Give yourself credit. You can do it
There are harder things in life than trying to be super fit and healthy. What is more important than having your health?
Bitchclaimer:
I am not a nutritionist, fitness instructor, or a doctor. Check with your doctor before starting any fitness routine.
1. You will be hungry from time to time, deal with it.
You can’t expect to eat eat eat eat until your stuffed and full all the time, everyday if you want to lose weight.
2. Watch your portions.
Yes, you always hear “watch your portions” but watch your portions on EVERYTHING. Yes salmon is delicious and healthy for you, but it also contains fat (yes it is the good fat, the kind you should be eating) but just because your body needs healthy fat, doesn’t mean that you need to take in way more than you need. Your body requires a lot of things you can’t have too much of (sodium, calories, selenium).
3. Educate yourself about the food you eat.
The more you know about the damage caused by aspartame, the less likely you will put it in your body. Read up on sugar, refined carbs, artificial sweeteners, additives. If something grosses you out, then you probably won’t stick it in your mouth (insert obvious joke here). Read those ingredient labels!
4. Just get your ass moving
Seems simple enough. It is so easy to say that it is too late, or you have something else to do. But don’t put other things in front of your health and your goals. Be active as much as you can.
5. Two Fit Bitches are better than one
Friends help. I would be nowhere without mine. Share your daily food log with them, exchange recipes, and be there for support. No one will think you are weird if you email a detailed food list to your friend every day.
(OK, well some might think it is weird, but only the stupid people, and fit bitches don’t hang out with stupids.)
6. Drop the guilt
Who cares if it is someone’s birthday? You don’t want cake, don’t have any.
You do not owe anyone anything. You owe yourself everything.
7. Stop eating out with your porker friends
Alcoholics don’t go out with their buddies to a bar. Recovering meth addicts don’t go to face scratching contests with their doped up pals. Don’t go out with your friends to a bad food place. Find another activity to do with them, walk? Shop? Walk and shop?
8. Don’t eat with boys
Well, at least not the boys I know.
9. Find your motivation
A flat unflattering picture of yourself. A picture of yourself when you were smoking hot. A sexy pair of undies that you don’t fit into yet. The sexy pool cleaner who doesn’t speak any English. A wedding dress. All your skinny friends. A marathon. Class reunion date. Health report. A picture of another girl’s boyfriend. The day to ‘accidentally-run-into-your-exboyfriend-looking-ever-so-doable-and-fabulous’. I don’t care what it is, just find it and keep it to remind yourself.
10. Give yourself credit. You can do it
There are harder things in life than trying to be super fit and healthy. What is more important than having your health?
Bitchclaimer:
I am not a nutritionist, fitness instructor, or a doctor. Check with your doctor before starting any fitness routine.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Day 67 um, I fell off the healthy wagon.
Well, I fell off the wagon this weekend, fairly hard. I think my bum knee must have caused me to lose my balance. I had one or two glasses of wine....well a little more.....OK OK a lot more! I also had lots of snacks, mindlessly eating while having a few drinks at a party. Mini Reese peanut butter cups are awesome and taste like heaven. Three of them jumped in my mouth and banged themselves around my teeth and then slivered down my throat! Can you believe that?
Add that to my bum knee and not going to the gym for 4 days, I feel like a humungous hippo-cow.
Mooooo
OK, so I am back on the wagon, and even though I can’t run or bike, or do a million squats and lunges in my crazy drill sergeant class, I will do yoga (uhg-yoga makes me all too aware of my gut!) upper body, and abs until my knee gets better.
Unfortunately my scale was accidentally smashed, so I have no weigh in today, darn it.
Actually, this is a good thing as I would probably be in a psych ward if I see that damn number go up any higher.
Dairy and gluten are out of my diet for a while. I am trying to narrow down this food allergy; I have a sneaky suspicion that dairy is the culprit. This makes me very sad as I am in love with cheese and want to marry cheese and have little cheese babies.
Mmmmm cheese...except blue cheese, barf! Why do you want to eat mold? Sick!
Add that to my bum knee and not going to the gym for 4 days, I feel like a humungous hippo-cow.
Mooooo
OK, so I am back on the wagon, and even though I can’t run or bike, or do a million squats and lunges in my crazy drill sergeant class, I will do yoga (uhg-yoga makes me all too aware of my gut!) upper body, and abs until my knee gets better.
Unfortunately my scale was accidentally smashed, so I have no weigh in today, darn it.
Actually, this is a good thing as I would probably be in a psych ward if I see that damn number go up any higher.
Dairy and gluten are out of my diet for a while. I am trying to narrow down this food allergy; I have a sneaky suspicion that dairy is the culprit. This makes me very sad as I am in love with cheese and want to marry cheese and have little cheese babies.
Mmmmm cheese...except blue cheese, barf! Why do you want to eat mold? Sick!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thanks a lot Conscience (Day 64)
I went to the gym last night because my conscience called me a lazy fat cow. I was proud of myself for not only going to the gym, but also taking a gruelling high intensity hour long class where I was out of breath and sweaty about 2 minutes into it. We were doing plyometrics, squats, lunges, paired with dumbbells, barbells, step, and bands (right? What a friggin class!).
So, ten minutes until class is over, I am getting up off the floor (from doing an unbearable amount of push-ups) and I heard a ‘pop’ followed by a shot of pain which resulted in me falling to the floor.
Ow ow ow OW! F! F! F!!!!
So, I tried to nurse my knee back to health, but it wasn’t working, I limped my way out of class in pain (and no one helped me, but everyone helped bleedy bob from last class, sigh) and managed to hobble down the stairs without falling ass over kettle. I finally get home to ice my throbbing knee, and sadly realize I left my favourite pink Nalgene bottle there
This is what I get for listening to my damn conscience, a bum knee and a lost fav water bottle.
So, ten minutes until class is over, I am getting up off the floor (from doing an unbearable amount of push-ups) and I heard a ‘pop’ followed by a shot of pain which resulted in me falling to the floor.
Ow ow ow OW! F! F! F!!!!
So, I tried to nurse my knee back to health, but it wasn’t working, I limped my way out of class in pain (and no one helped me, but everyone helped bleedy bob from last class, sigh) and managed to hobble down the stairs without falling ass over kettle. I finally get home to ice my throbbing knee, and sadly realize I left my favourite pink Nalgene bottle there
This is what I get for listening to my damn conscience, a bum knee and a lost fav water bottle.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Day 63 and my Conscience
Conscience : Get your ass to the gym
me: I can't, too sleepy
Conscience : You are a fat ass
me: Boys like big butts and they cannot lie
Conscience : They don't like big rolly tummies
me: this is true. I will go tomorrow.
Conscience : Don't be a lazy cow. Be fit and healthy-stupid!
me: fuck
I cannot get my sleepy head to the gym if I don't go directly from work. It is like my house locks me up in a warm cozy food filled cocoon. Then, once there in my cocoons of awesomeness, the excuses start to roll in....
If I eat light and super healthy for supper, than its OK if I don't go to the gym
If I clean my house for an hour, than that is better than sitting on my butt
If I do laundry and walk up and down the stairs carrying it, then that works my quads
Silly excuses. Like I am going to walk up and down my stairs carrying 20lbs of laundry for an hour straight.
It is amazing how easily we can talk ourselves out of working out when we just don't feel like it. And honestly? There are not too many times when I actually feel like going to the gym. I cannot wait for beautiful summer so I can fill my activities with fun stuff instead of classes and stationary machines that are filled with meat heads and hookers.
My new rule is just go. Just go to the gym. JUST GO. I am not allowed to think about it. It doesn't matter what other activity I have planned for that day and can’t show up for nice and sweaty. It doesn't matter how tired, or how many asshole clients I had to deal with, or how many breakdowns I had in the boardroom over SWOT analysis nonsense.
I just have to get there.
Once there....the anti gym reasons are piling around me: it's raining, there is no parking, it is teen night, the gym is packed, there are kid’s lessons in the pool, I am hungry, I forgot my headband. ARHG.
I need to search deep for motivation some days. I know it is there, one time I went to the gym and worked out with no gym socks, no sport bra (D cup, ya...it wasn't fun), and no hair elastic. That is motivation! Why can't I pull that motivation out when I most need it?
I try to remind myself of all the reasons why I need to work out and push it:
1. Duh, to be hot!
2. To stay healthy
3. To not fail on the get fit project or the lose weight resolution
4. To be thankful I have my health, and am able to go the gym.
5. I can't just wake up and run that 10k! Train Train TRAIN!
What motivates you to get your butt to the gym? or out for a jog? or what ever it is you do? Can you mail that motivation to me?
I am off to the gym now, really I am going.
me: I can't, too sleepy
Conscience : You are a fat ass
me: Boys like big butts and they cannot lie
Conscience : They don't like big rolly tummies
me: this is true. I will go tomorrow.
Conscience : Don't be a lazy cow. Be fit and healthy-stupid!
me: fuck
I cannot get my sleepy head to the gym if I don't go directly from work. It is like my house locks me up in a warm cozy food filled cocoon. Then, once there in my cocoons of awesomeness, the excuses start to roll in....
If I eat light and super healthy for supper, than its OK if I don't go to the gym
If I clean my house for an hour, than that is better than sitting on my butt
If I do laundry and walk up and down the stairs carrying it, then that works my quads
Silly excuses. Like I am going to walk up and down my stairs carrying 20lbs of laundry for an hour straight.
It is amazing how easily we can talk ourselves out of working out when we just don't feel like it. And honestly? There are not too many times when I actually feel like going to the gym. I cannot wait for beautiful summer so I can fill my activities with fun stuff instead of classes and stationary machines that are filled with meat heads and hookers.
My new rule is just go. Just go to the gym. JUST GO. I am not allowed to think about it. It doesn't matter what other activity I have planned for that day and can’t show up for nice and sweaty. It doesn't matter how tired, or how many asshole clients I had to deal with, or how many breakdowns I had in the boardroom over SWOT analysis nonsense.
I just have to get there.
Once there....the anti gym reasons are piling around me: it's raining, there is no parking, it is teen night, the gym is packed, there are kid’s lessons in the pool, I am hungry, I forgot my headband. ARHG.
I need to search deep for motivation some days. I know it is there, one time I went to the gym and worked out with no gym socks, no sport bra (D cup, ya...it wasn't fun), and no hair elastic. That is motivation! Why can't I pull that motivation out when I most need it?
I try to remind myself of all the reasons why I need to work out and push it:
1. Duh, to be hot!
2. To stay healthy
3. To not fail on the get fit project or the lose weight resolution
4. To be thankful I have my health, and am able to go the gym.
5. I can't just wake up and run that 10k! Train Train TRAIN!
What motivates you to get your butt to the gym? or out for a jog? or what ever it is you do? Can you mail that motivation to me?
I am off to the gym now, really I am going.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Day 62 Bloaty McBloaterson
Working out when you are bloated and gassy is like swimming with a winter jacket on...sure you can do it, but it is hard and you feel like a whale.
Stupid lentils for lunch.
To make this workout class more interesting, the instructor decided to throw in a surprise abdominal work out, just to make my bloaty-belly feel its absolute best!
Being a bloaty whale today, I deserve huge snaps for managing to lug myself to the gym in the first place. I am covered in a baggy t-shirt and lose lulus as skin tight luon and bloat-tummy shall never meet. The girl next to me looks like she just fell of the Jillian-Michaels-look-a-like-contest-bus, and she does the 'advance' version of every option the instructor gives us. Sigh, yet another girl I hate but want to be just like.
I would hate her less if she was wearing more than a sports bra and shorts smaller then my undies.
Stupid lentils for lunch.
To make this workout class more interesting, the instructor decided to throw in a surprise abdominal work out, just to make my bloaty-belly feel its absolute best!
Being a bloaty whale today, I deserve huge snaps for managing to lug myself to the gym in the first place. I am covered in a baggy t-shirt and lose lulus as skin tight luon and bloat-tummy shall never meet. The girl next to me looks like she just fell of the Jillian-Michaels-look-a-like-contest-bus, and she does the 'advance' version of every option the instructor gives us. Sigh, yet another girl I hate but want to be just like.
I would hate her less if she was wearing more than a sports bra and shorts smaller then my undies.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Day 61 & Confession # 2
Confession # 2: I NEVER eat fast food...
Well, that is if I don’t include the odd breakfast bagel when I am running late for work . Or when I am road tripping. Or those Sundays when you are hung-over, and you know what the only cure for a hangover is!
The argument at my office today was over this statement: “even experts say it is OK to have fast food once and a while”.
What ‘experts’ say that?
Someone (not me, I bit my tongue through this whole conversation and deserve a medal for such) replied to this statement saying “I think once a week is OK”. The argument went on about how often should you eat fast food, and what fast food is acceptable, and the famous line that people LOVE to say to you when you are discussing unhealthy food:
“Everything is bad for you now-a-days.”
I hear this sentence so often from so many different people, then only people I don’t hear it from are those who actually DO eat healthy the majority of the time. It is like a constant excuse that makes people feel validated in their choice of crap food. Almost as if they are trying to retaliate towards healthy eaters.
It is no F’ing surprise that fruit, veggies, lean meats, whole grains, and lots of water is better for you than candy, fatty snacks, fatty meats, refined carbs, and pop. There is no one out there that will successfully argue that junk food is better than healthy food. It just doesn’t make sense! “Everything is bad for you now-a-days”, somehow saying this warrants choosing to eat crap. This particular “EIBFYNow-a-days” speech started the same as the rest; bashing vegetables:
“Botulism is in spinach.”
(Please, wasn’t that one case YEARS ago?)
“There are pesticides on the fruits.”
(There are pesticides in your food too, do you think McDonalds uses organic potatoes and free range chicken?)
“Mushrooms grow in shit.”
(They grow in composting manure, not human feces.)
“Vegetables are boring!”
(Well, sure, if you only eat raw broccoli and celery sticks.)
It is amazing actually listening to people defend their eating habits; I know I am ready with facts and remarks prepared to jump down someone’s throat when they comment on mine. I love listening to the banter between vegetarians and meat eaters, sushi eaters and people who hate seafood, my absolute favourite argument to hear? People on Atkins vs. Anyone not on Atkins.
If only I could have an Atkins Dieter and a Vegan in the same room.
Well, that is if I don’t include the odd breakfast bagel when I am running late for work . Or when I am road tripping. Or those Sundays when you are hung-over, and you know what the only cure for a hangover is!
The argument at my office today was over this statement: “even experts say it is OK to have fast food once and a while”.
What ‘experts’ say that?
Someone (not me, I bit my tongue through this whole conversation and deserve a medal for such) replied to this statement saying “I think once a week is OK”. The argument went on about how often should you eat fast food, and what fast food is acceptable, and the famous line that people LOVE to say to you when you are discussing unhealthy food:
“Everything is bad for you now-a-days.”
I hear this sentence so often from so many different people, then only people I don’t hear it from are those who actually DO eat healthy the majority of the time. It is like a constant excuse that makes people feel validated in their choice of crap food. Almost as if they are trying to retaliate towards healthy eaters.
It is no F’ing surprise that fruit, veggies, lean meats, whole grains, and lots of water is better for you than candy, fatty snacks, fatty meats, refined carbs, and pop. There is no one out there that will successfully argue that junk food is better than healthy food. It just doesn’t make sense! “Everything is bad for you now-a-days”, somehow saying this warrants choosing to eat crap. This particular “EIBFYNow-a-days” speech started the same as the rest; bashing vegetables:
“Botulism is in spinach.”
(Please, wasn’t that one case YEARS ago?)
“There are pesticides on the fruits.”
(There are pesticides in your food too, do you think McDonalds uses organic potatoes and free range chicken?)
“Mushrooms grow in shit.”
(They grow in composting manure, not human feces.)
“Vegetables are boring!”
(Well, sure, if you only eat raw broccoli and celery sticks.)
It is amazing actually listening to people defend their eating habits; I know I am ready with facts and remarks prepared to jump down someone’s throat when they comment on mine. I love listening to the banter between vegetarians and meat eaters, sushi eaters and people who hate seafood, my absolute favourite argument to hear? People on Atkins vs. Anyone not on Atkins.
If only I could have an Atkins Dieter and a Vegan in the same room.
Monday, January 18, 2010
DAY 60! Two months in, and do you know what? This gal is goin’ VEG! (for a week)
I know! Can you believe it? Protein & seafood lover, this prior East Coast Girl now living in the land of beef is going to give up all meat for one week. If it goes well and I don’t kill anyone, the next week I will be VEGAN! (wha?) All for the entertainment of my amazing readers (after the salt water fail...I mean...salt water flush, this will be a walk in the park on a sunny day.
So this week is no meat, poultry, or seafood, but I will have cheese, and probably eggs. I don’t drink milk so we don’t need to worry about that. Next week, completely Vegan, no meat, poultry, fish, dairy, or eggs. (O.M.G!)
This is purely an experiment. After eating super clean and ridiculously healthy for TWO MONTHS! I have lost ten pounds, but since then have not lost any additional weight, nor had my skin appeared “clearer” and “brighter” as it was supposed to. This could mean I have a food allergy to dairy, or gluten, or something. Well, we will see by my little experiment, maybe I am talking crazy due to the high sodium levels I suffered from that BS cleanse.
Bitchclaimer:
Please don’t lecture me on muscle weighs more than fat, that is complete bull. A pound of fat and a pound of muscle both weigh A POUND! Yes clothes fit better, yes I know I am doing well, but I still have chub rolls so leave me alone. (Protein is in other things other than meat. I will be fine.)
So this week is no meat, poultry, or seafood, but I will have cheese, and probably eggs. I don’t drink milk so we don’t need to worry about that. Next week, completely Vegan, no meat, poultry, fish, dairy, or eggs. (O.M.G!)
This is purely an experiment. After eating super clean and ridiculously healthy for TWO MONTHS! I have lost ten pounds, but since then have not lost any additional weight, nor had my skin appeared “clearer” and “brighter” as it was supposed to. This could mean I have a food allergy to dairy, or gluten, or something. Well, we will see by my little experiment, maybe I am talking crazy due to the high sodium levels I suffered from that BS cleanse.
Bitchclaimer:
Please don’t lecture me on muscle weighs more than fat, that is complete bull. A pound of fat and a pound of muscle both weigh A POUND! Yes clothes fit better, yes I know I am doing well, but I still have chub rolls so leave me alone. (Protein is in other things other than meat. I will be fine.)
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Day 59 (Salt Water Flush)
OK, today’s entry is a little different; it is a ‘live’ entry in a way. It is Saturday morning right now (as I am typing, not when I got around to posting it) and I am about to do a salt water flush! How exciting, I am so cool to sit home Saturday morning to do a cleanse, sigh...the things we do to be healthy.
As someone who does a cleanse ever year around this time, I decided not to do one this year as my eating habits have already drastically changed, however, I still feel the need to cleanse. Psychological? Perhaps, but there is no doubt that a cleanse is good for you. If you have never done a cleanse, do some research or ask your friends to see if they have done one. There are so many out there, I have purchased the all natural pills from many different brands, I have done one where you just eat certain foods, there are juice cleanse or liquid cleanses (also known as fasts) and there is the salt water cleanse, which I am attempting for the first time in a few minutes.
Salt Water Cleanse (or Salt Water Flush) is so easy. Here is what you do:
First thing in the morning when you wake (preferably quite early) you are going to drink a lot of warm water mixed with salt and a little lemon juice to flavour. Then you are going to wait a few hours for the salt water to ‘flush’ out your system. Apparently you need to stay home and close to a bathroom for a few hours, so don’t do this flush on a work day or before a date please.
1 litre (1 quart) of water, (warm, like tea or soup temperature, you need to drink it in under 15 minutes)
2 tsp of natural sea salt (do not use table salt)
1-2 Tbsp of lemon juice
When the mixture is a good temperature to drink, bombs away! Here I go:
8:20 am
This doesn’t taste as bad as I thought, but it is not easy to get down. It tastes like salty Neo Citron.
I am trying to plug my nose but it doesn’t help. I thought if I put some cotton balls in my nose it would help, but then one fell out into my glass while I was drinking. GROSS!
8:30
I need a breather, this is tough. It was too hot so I added some cold water, which was dumb because now I have that much more to drink
8:40
Finally done. That was torture and a lot of salty water to drink.
So now I am laying on my bed with a massive water filled belly waiting for the magic to happen.
9:00
I feel nothing, why don’t I have to pee yet?
9:15
I am really thirsty. Am I allowed to drink more water? Or will that mess up the salt level. Since nothing is happening, I will use this time to give some facts about the Salt Water Flush:
-Some people do this every morning for a week, and then a few times a week, and then once a week
(who has time to sit home and shit all day?) I am not doing it every day, I am doing it once.
-The point of any cleanse is to mobilise trapped waste in your intestines and colon and then eliminate them, cleaning your innards of unwanted toxic waste that your body absorbs from the food you eat and the environment you live in. Cleanses can help with digestive problems and other ailments.
9:30
I still feel nothing except the urge to drink un-salted water
Google “Salt Water Flush” and educated yourself on it before you try it. Do not take my word for it as I am not a medical practitioner, of course you should check with your doctor before starting anything, but no one ever does, that is just what people have to say so they avoid being sued. I researched it and asked people who did it, so that is why I chose to do this particular flush.
9:40
I have to pee. Brb.
9:41
That was uneventful, this cleanse is boring. I am going to do some yoga and try to “stimulate” my insides.
9:45
That was a bad idea, I now feel like I am going to barf. I am back to lying on my side cuddled up in bed. Apparently this is supposed to work within 2 hours after drinking the solution, so I have passed hour one and now I am scared that I am going to explode.
10:25
I am hungry and thirsty and am not having any flushing experience, this is bollocks!
10:50
I am pissed I wasted my whole morning for a poo explosion. Stupid salt water cleanse. I am about to get on with my day. I hope I don’t peep my pants.
4:30pm
Nothing.
As someone who does a cleanse ever year around this time, I decided not to do one this year as my eating habits have already drastically changed, however, I still feel the need to cleanse. Psychological? Perhaps, but there is no doubt that a cleanse is good for you. If you have never done a cleanse, do some research or ask your friends to see if they have done one. There are so many out there, I have purchased the all natural pills from many different brands, I have done one where you just eat certain foods, there are juice cleanse or liquid cleanses (also known as fasts) and there is the salt water cleanse, which I am attempting for the first time in a few minutes.
Salt Water Cleanse (or Salt Water Flush) is so easy. Here is what you do:
First thing in the morning when you wake (preferably quite early) you are going to drink a lot of warm water mixed with salt and a little lemon juice to flavour. Then you are going to wait a few hours for the salt water to ‘flush’ out your system. Apparently you need to stay home and close to a bathroom for a few hours, so don’t do this flush on a work day or before a date please.
1 litre (1 quart) of water, (warm, like tea or soup temperature, you need to drink it in under 15 minutes)
2 tsp of natural sea salt (do not use table salt)
1-2 Tbsp of lemon juice
When the mixture is a good temperature to drink, bombs away! Here I go:
8:20 am
This doesn’t taste as bad as I thought, but it is not easy to get down. It tastes like salty Neo Citron.
I am trying to plug my nose but it doesn’t help. I thought if I put some cotton balls in my nose it would help, but then one fell out into my glass while I was drinking. GROSS!
8:30
I need a breather, this is tough. It was too hot so I added some cold water, which was dumb because now I have that much more to drink
8:40
Finally done. That was torture and a lot of salty water to drink.
So now I am laying on my bed with a massive water filled belly waiting for the magic to happen.
9:00
I feel nothing, why don’t I have to pee yet?
9:15
I am really thirsty. Am I allowed to drink more water? Or will that mess up the salt level. Since nothing is happening, I will use this time to give some facts about the Salt Water Flush:
-Some people do this every morning for a week, and then a few times a week, and then once a week
(who has time to sit home and shit all day?) I am not doing it every day, I am doing it once.
-The point of any cleanse is to mobilise trapped waste in your intestines and colon and then eliminate them, cleaning your innards of unwanted toxic waste that your body absorbs from the food you eat and the environment you live in. Cleanses can help with digestive problems and other ailments.
9:30
I still feel nothing except the urge to drink un-salted water
Google “Salt Water Flush” and educated yourself on it before you try it. Do not take my word for it as I am not a medical practitioner, of course you should check with your doctor before starting anything, but no one ever does, that is just what people have to say so they avoid being sued. I researched it and asked people who did it, so that is why I chose to do this particular flush.
9:40
I have to pee. Brb.
9:41
That was uneventful, this cleanse is boring. I am going to do some yoga and try to “stimulate” my insides.
9:45
That was a bad idea, I now feel like I am going to barf. I am back to lying on my side cuddled up in bed. Apparently this is supposed to work within 2 hours after drinking the solution, so I have passed hour one and now I am scared that I am going to explode.
10:25
I am hungry and thirsty and am not having any flushing experience, this is bollocks!
10:50
I am pissed I wasted my whole morning for a poo explosion. Stupid salt water cleanse. I am about to get on with my day. I hope I don’t peep my pants.
4:30pm
Nothing.
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