Won one over

I know I bitch a lot about most of the people at my work, it is a nice outlet when really I want to yell and punch my work people in the head. I have had a few readers write in and tell me their work idiot stories, and I will share them with you soon. If anyone has any stories they would like to submit, please do.

So! I am so excited! I almost peed my pants! And I drink a lot of water, so it would have been a mass amount of pee.

A woman at my work, whom I never make fun of because she has a good attitude and tries her best to be healthy (yes that’s right, fit bitch does have a little bit of a heart, remember, I am not a skinny minny winny either).

So she is overweight and has been doing Weight Watchers on and off for many years, she has lost 35 pounds and kept it off for a year (yay). She still has a long way to go, but I don’t bitch about her because she doesn’t make fun of me and the food I eat, plus just because someone is fat it doesn’t mean I hate them. I only hate people that make fun of ME for being healthy regardless if they are skinny or fat.

She has been talking to me on and off about food, working out, eating natural, etc, and she called me to tell me she cancelled her Weight Watchers and is inspired by me and how I eat and now she is going to start eating all natural and not-crappy-salty-sugar/aspartame-low-in-fat-but-high-in-bad-carbs-which-makes-you-fat-anyway-but-it-is-only-2points-so-WW-says-its-ok-food!!!!

So happy!  I wanted to scream "I AM PUTTING YOU IN MY BLOG BECAUSE YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!" But clearly if you have read this blog, having my work people know about it would not be smart. At all.  Not even a little bit.

I am packing up my cookbooks/recipes/tips & tricks to give to her tomorrow, and I will let you know how her progress goes.

Running is sexy?

It’s a beautiful day out, it’s warm, the sun is shining, there isn’t a cloud in the sky, and it seems everyone is out enjoying this gorgeous weekend. After glopping on my body glide to prevent my man toes from developing a blister. I pop in to my sweet addidas clima cool with the cute little vents on the side that let a nice cool breeze of air in with every swoosh of my leg thus keeping my feet dry and stink-free, and head out the door.

Sunglasses? Check
House key? Check
Cute running outfit? Check

Off I go (damn, is this my house key or my office key?). Down through my subdivision, ahh suburbia, so safe and quiet with your running trails, so full of hot sweaty landscapers in workboots and jeans with no shirt, I should go see if they are free to *ahem* mow my lawn.

Now, I don’t know if it is the fact that my running outfit is tight, or my cross over extra supportive deep V tanktop totally rocks the cleavage even while running (yes, so worth $80), the fact that I am constantly bouncing up and down, or that I am all glisten-y with sweat, but I get checked out WAY more when I run then when I doll myself up, squeeze my whale feet into 3 inch heels, apply extra shimmer lip gloss, and don a sexy dress that hides all the right places.

Even though my face is bright red, my upper arm flab is vibrating every time my foot hits the ground and I am still sucking in my gut as I run, I feel good. I feel powerful. I feel sexy.

One of the landscapers actually whistles at me, I give him a “ah, I am a woman and do not appreciate you whistling at me like I am some piece of meat bopping around for your enjoyment, plus I am out of your league, fist pump, woman power!” But really on the inside I am uber flattered and that made my day because he was hawt!

My dreaded hill is coming up, I want to stop for a breather half way up as I now sound like I am having an asthma attack, but I know I can keep going (I have to 10k in June 10k in June, 10k in June), this really skinny girl with a swinging blonde ponytail and not a drip of sweat on her is running towards me, (she started at the top of the hill, and she must not have been running for long, or she would look like a hot mess just as I do) as she passes I notice the Running App on her ipod touch, it says 4.6km.

ARHG! How did she run 4.6km so far and still look like she walked out the door.

I speed up my strides for good measure, why don’t I have an ipod touch? I would program the Running App to say 23.8km and hold it out in front of me while I run, then I would show blonde ponytail that I can also run forever looking like a Maxim cover girl.

( Why are these model girls always around me? Soon I will be one of those girls, and someone will hate me, yay!)

A Frisbee hits my leg and I pick it up to throw back to the ultimate Frisbee (I assume that is what they are playing????) guys, hoping that my awesome throw will make them ask me to come play with them, but no, I throw it like a handless monkey and it goes riiiiight into a tree. How. Mortifying.

Thank goodness a tall guy was able to reach it and I didn’t ruin their game, I apologized and ran away (amazing how fast I am running uphill now).

Finally home, do some stretches in the yard, reach into my pocket and...

Sigh...office key.

No weigh in day

Alright, I have decided I am driving myself crazy with a scale and weight, so I am not going to take measurements OR weigh myself until May 20.  This gives me one month to not stress about Monday morning, or my measurements.  I don't understand why my pants are hanging off me but my measurements and weight don't change.

    ~ You're losing fat and gaining muscle.

Yes, I understand, but I still have loads of fat that needs to go, and 6 months into this program I feel I should be further along.  How depressing!  No wonder people stay fat.

Little Changes

Did you know that a large Tim Hortons' Double Double has 230 calories and 12 grams of fat? There are MULTIPLE people in my office alone who drink XL DDs everyday! I can’t even fathom this. I love how nutritional information is available with the click of a button, albeit not always exact, at least if helps give us an idea of how many calories are in those ‘quick’ food choices. Just switching your cream to milk would save you about 11 grams of fat and nearly 200 calories! These little changes add up!

Now, I know not everyone has a Tim Hortons across the street from their office, and perhaps not everyone has an office full of drones who walk in with Tim Hortons in hand everyday and then gorging on donuts during meetings (oh, this week guess what? No donuts....instead we had cookies, fatty huge Subway cookies, at 8:30 in the morning. Do you think they allow their kids to eat this for breaky?).

So let’s say you frequent Starbucks or Second Cup, whatever your choice is, those morning coffees and lattes can add up. So if you are one of those people that have one a day, let’s say 5 a week, and they each have 200 calories (this is for the sake of easy math). Also, you have an hour lunch break where you hang out in the lunch room on your butt eating.

Stop having the additional 200 calories

Go for a walk at lunch and burn about 200 calories

(Walk fast, for about 40 minutes. That gives you twenty minutes left to eat your lunch when you are back. The amount of calories burned depends on your weight and how fast you walk; again for the sake of easy math I am using a ‘burnage’ of 200. For more exacts results tailored to yourself, go to a calorie counting website, I like caloriesperhour.com)

So by not consuming 200 calories, and walking off 200 calories you have a daily calorie deficit of 400. 400 calories gone by midday and you haven’t even worked out yet! Doesn’t seem like a lot? Well, if you do this Monday to Friday for ONE month you will have burned 8000 calories. Now, that is a lot! Just over two pounds lost to be exact! All because you stuck to your guns and went for a daily walk and didn’t have your morning double double!

Little changes help. If you don’t drink a double double, well give up something else that is around 200 calories. Can give up any more calories? Go for a walk, it will negate those calories you drank!

This is a new rule I am following this month. I don’t drink double doubles, but I usually have a Kashi bar or Lara bar or some kind of healthy sugarless bar, and they are around 150 to 250 calories, so I am cutting those out.

I swear to god if I don’t lose any more weight by Monday I am going to hurt someone.

Um, actually....I DO enjoy myself!

So I was having a conversation with a woman I work with, she asked me how I stay so skinny when I eat so much food (I am not skinny, I am just thinner that she), and I replied “I eat healthy and work out” and she looked at my blankly and said I must work out all the time, I answered “no, but when you eat healthy, it isn’t as much of a problem”. She then said she would rather enjoy herself. This is a woman who complains she is fat and has health problems. She then said that I was missing out because last night she watched 3 movies and for supper she had Kraft Dinner which had nacho con queso cheese dip mixed in and topped with bacon and shredded Tex Mex cheese, and then made a face like she just had an orgasm. She looked over at my face (which probably looked like I had just swallowed a wad of drain hair) and she said that “It is too bad I am not able to enjoy such food”.

Enjoy? Such food? That does not sound appetizing at all. Not even a little bit. I really wanted to respond by saying “You know, you are right, I would MUCH rather be fat and sit on my ass all the time just so I could eat that meal”.

Why is it that fat unhealthy eaters think that skinny healthy people are not “enjoying themselves” ?

I LIKE having a grilled piece of salmon with roasted veggies, it is fucking delicious! Baked vegetarian pasta, veggie stir-fry, vegetarian chilli are so good. Having a healthy sandwich and salad is not a pain for me. It makes me feel good to eat healthy, why? BECAUSE IT IS GOOD. Not enjoyable is eating deep fried mass grown chicken body parts dipped in sugar sauce with deep fried fries dipped in sugar sauce, with a side of glow in the dark coleslaw, then having massive guilt, NOT feeling any better for having eaten it, and then being in a bloaty slouchy tired mood all afternoon.

I don’t understand how people like this can even TRY to argue the fact that THEIR way of living is better.
Us fit bitches KNOW we rock. Fuck those assholes! I am so tired of them giving ME shit for being healthy.

It’s true, I have never seen an episode of 24, nor do I give a rats about American idol, or any other shows that makes me sit on my ass for 5 hours a night. But I have summated a mountain, climbed a waterfall, biked deep in the wild where I literally biked next to deer and coyote, kayaked in a fresh glacier lake, and many other fun activities, all things I wouldn’t be able to do if I chose to sit home on my ass every night. The accomplishment one feels after pushing them self to do something out of their comfort zone is amazing. The moment I had after hiking a mountain with my friends and having a picnic on top, is worth more to me than my boxed set of Sex and the City (and what girl doesn’t love Sex and the City?).

Do you think there are old people on their death bed saying “man, I wish I would have watched all those seasons of ‘House’ before I die”. Or, do you suppose they are saying “I am so glad I got the chance to hike Mt. Kilimanjaro before I died”.

Ya, I am going to go with the latter.

Bitchclaimer:
Yes, of COURSE I watch TV! Who the hell doesn’t? But my life doesn’t revolve around it and what shows are on when. Set a routine, work out when you get home and PVR/DVR your shows to watch them at night.

Y.U.C.K.

Dear Canada,
Thank you for NOT having the new KFC Double Down available.
Yours Truly,
Sane People

Wow, my friend sent me this picture and all I could do was cringe. Debuting today (in America) this gross sandwich has stupid people excited.  You can order it with a side of fries and a defibrillator.

Two deep fried chicken breast, two slices of processed cheese, 2 slices of bacon, and KFC’s “special sauce” topped with a lot of saturated fat and a day’s worth of sodium, how can you not want to eat this? MRPPPHHHH ....excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth.

Items like this exist because people buy them, those people are stupid, or they are stoners.

Do you know what else is a weird item high in fat, calories, and sodium? A McGriddle, what the hell? Maple “pan cakes” as the bun with sausage egg and cheese between them? GROSS!

Why can’t people understand the sickness of these fast food items?

Have this for breakfast, a Double Down for lunch, and a burger and fries meal for supper, and then make an appointment for a gastric bypass and check yourself into the ER for your heart attack that is about to happen.  A lot of those huge sloppy fast food burgers contain over 1000 calories. Throw in fries, a drink, a dessert if you are still alive, and you are on your way to being shaped like a huge ball of fat globules. Ew.

Did you know that a Burger King large chocolate shake has almost 2000 calories? 2000!!!! That is over a day’s worth for some people. Don’t ever eat this crap. EVARRRR!

Need a new scale...

As you know my last scale “broke”, it was one of those god awful analog scales. So I decided it was time to buy a new digital scale. I need to make sure I am staying on track here. My friend told me she got one at Walmart for $20 so I figured that since I am cheap, I would do the same. Well after I walked around massive Walmart and had the following events happen to me:


1. A kid jump out from hiding in a clothes rack and yelled ‘boo’ and then giggled like a maniac until I lunged toward him with death in my eyes.

2. A man asked me where the electronics section is, I said “does this heels, suit, and lack of a blue vest outfit LOOK like I work at Walmart?” he gave me the once over and said “no” and just walked away. Later in the parking lot he got into his pick up that had a ‘shit happens when you party naked’ bumper sticker on it. Score!

3. I watched a white trash couple fight over Corn Pops and Fruit Loops cereal, and never more in my life did I wish that I had the ability to record and post a video on youtube with my phone. Damn you Research in Motion!

4. I overheard two girls discussing the sustainability of blow up furniture vs. Bean bag chairs for their parties (oh to be in college).

So for an hour racking my brain as to where the scales would be, I finally found them (in the Hardware section, duh) where the cutest most adorable non English speaking old Chinese man helped me find a price of the only suitable scale that would look remotely OK on my bathroom floor, I grabbed a weight-bmi-how much water is in me (?) scale, thanked old Asian man who said “you no need worry about weight” (awww) and went to the cash, where of course it rang in about $100 more than it should have. After trying to argue with the lady that “no no it is $20” (apparently no one at this Walmart speaks English) she wouldn’t let me have it for said price. Defeated, I walked out of the store and went to a Drugstore, Home Outfitters, and a shoe store (what?) and sadly I found no $20 digital scale. There is no way I am paying $80+ dollars for something that is going to make me mad every time I use it.

So now I don’t have a scale, which means I don’t have to have that dreaded weigh in today, and that makes me happy, however it does not help my weight loss goals, I will keep looking for one so I can use it next Monday so I can either have a fantastic day or a really crappy day.

Day.....I have lost track?

I am finally feeling better, and am back on solid food so I thought I would go buy some fresh fruits and veggies. While in the grocery store, there were two young girls (8-11ish) shopping with their mom, and the girls were voluntarily checking he nutritional information on the back of items, taking note of the calories, checking the ingredients, and then I heard one of them say “Oh my god, Mom these are soooo bad, and they have trans fats too” and then she slammed the box down on the shelf. I want to take them home and make them my kids. Then take them to my office and make them teach a heating eating class.


Two months until my 10k! Time to beef up my workouts and get my ass in gear! Oh man, its two months until swim suite season also! EEEEK!

Cold...almost...gone....hack hack.

Well, as you know, I deal with unhealthy tyrants at my work. How do I answer the following question/dig from fatman:

"You are still sick? I thought that you were super healthy women. I guess you eat that crap for nothing. ha ha"

You know, I may stab this guy with a fork one day. But for now I just told him to "Shut up, I am not in the mood".

My "light workout to do when you are sick" tired me out. I bet even fatman himself could have beat me on this workout, and he takes breaks when he walks up the stairs. I think it is best for me to cuddle up on the couch with a girly rom-com and drink a gallon of water. I am going to stay here all night, if you do not hear from me tomorrow please send for help and tell my friends and family I love them.

Still sick.

This cold is kicking my ass. I have been out of commission for almost a week now, and I fear my first workout. Will I be back to square one? How can I run with this raw throat? I barely have energy to walk up the stairs today. I thought that if you ate healthy, worked out, took your vitamins, and did things like take shots of wheat grass you wouldn’t get sick and catch gross colds that turn your cute little nose into a faucet.

Tomorrow I will just have to take it easy, maybe a walk? I light workout with weights? I will let you know how it goes. I think that I really don’t want to go to work tomorrow, but since I called in sick Wed & Thurs, I should probably go.....maybe.....because there is nothing more fun to do when you are sick then sit in a cubicle surrounded by people you hate while staring at a computer monitor, weeeeee.